The Six Paramitas

"Perhaps the great error is believing we’re alone,
That the others have come and gone—a momentary blip—
When all along, space might be choc-full of traffic,
Bursting at the seams with energy we neither feel
Nor see, flush against us, living, dying, deciding,
Setting solid feet down on planets everywhere,
Bowing to the great stars that command, pitching stones
At whatever are their moons. They live wondering
If they are the only ones, knowing only the wish to know,
And the great black distance they—we—flicker in.

Maybe the dead know, their eyes widening at last,
Seeing the high beams of a million galaxies flick on
At twilight. Hearing the engines flare, the horns
Not letting up, the frenzy of being. I want to be
One notch below bedlam, like a radio without a dial.
Wide open, so everything floods in at once.
And sealed tight, so nothing escapes. Not even time,
Which should curl in on itself and loop around like smoke.
So that I might be sitting now beside my father
As he raises a lit match to the bowl of his pipe
For the first time in the winter of 1959."
--Tracy K. Smith, "3" in My God, It's Full of Stars

Flower of the Week:

Ornamental amaranth. So delightfully absurd!

Buddhist Lesson of the Week:

The Six Paramitas

Returning to the infinite lists within the Buddhist canon, we're going to take a look at the Six Paramitas (or Perfections). Just as with most all of the other lists, the Paramitas are meant to be reminders for how Bodhisattvas conduct themselves in all of their aware moments. To follow the Paramitas is to be a true, honest, and compassionate person filled with purpose. As with the other lists, they are tough to remember all of the time, but are good reminders when you happen upon them. They are:

1. Dana Paramita: The Perfection of Generosity
2. Sila Paramita: The Perfection of Virtue
3. Ksanti Paramita: The Perfection of Patience
4. Virya Paramita: The Perfection of Energy
5. Dhyana Paramita: The Perfection of Concentration
6. Prajna Paramita: The Perfection of Wisdom

You need one of the Paramitas in order to fully practice the others; you cannot be fully generous without virtue, patience, energy, concentration, and wisdom. You cannot be virtuous without generosity, patience, energy, concentration, and wisdom, and so on. They are as dependently co-arisen as anything else.

Life at the Center:

So….I'm going to be honest here, this past week has not been a super great one. This is not due to anything external, any people or events--it is entirely because of the suffering that my mind decides to create for itself sometimes. In other, more simple words, I have been feeling really pretty anxious this past week, worse so then it has been for all of my time here thus far. People here have been asking me what triggered it, and honestly, I'm not entirely sure. I think it's somewhat of a cocktail of physical exhaustion, a resurgence of insecurities, stress about taking the GRE next weekend, and living in a valley that's perpetually dark, cloudy/foggy, and cold. Just as I struggled with the lack of any sense of seasonality in Hawaii, especially during the month of perpetual rain (which you can read about here, in my blog from my time in Hawaii, if you're so inclined), I am struggling with it here. My mood and general state and health of mind has a rather intimate connection with the weather. I need sun and warmth, plain and simple, in at least a semi-regular dose, to feel complete and healthy. 

As far as the physical exhaustion goes, I think that this part surprises some people who do not live here, who often have a certain image of what life here is like. I think that in our culture the word "Zen" has become almost entirely detached from the religion and is instead associated with images of spas, massages, meditating in a clean, white, well-lit room, and soaking in hot tubs. I'll let you know right now that absolutely none of those things are what is happening here. First, massages are scant and almost treated like an impolite misdeed, something to be done only occasionally and without the knowledge of anybody of importance (especially massages given between genders/different sexualities DEAR GOD). Physical contact in general around here is sparse. Also, as those of you who read this blog and who know me well are probably aware, I am not great with having people touching me in the first place (alright, alright, I'm pretty horrible about having people touching me). SO starting with my already intense deficit of physical contact as a foundation, and building upon it a sturdy structure of awkward and sporadic contact from a community of gentle and overly-careful individuals, you've got yourself a well-rounded building of vacuous space aching for our most primal means of connecting to one another.

Flower arrangement that I made for the bath house using
a couple different varieties of dahlias. Look at the size of
that yellow one!

Next, there is no spa or hot tubs here. There is a sauna, which is fine (and necessary, I'm figuring out, considering how little we see the sun and how cold it is here), but it is small. It is lovely, don't get me wrong, but it is neither a spa nor a hot tub. Finally, meditation occurs in a dark room (so, so dark, all of the time) that is likewise pretty cold. Also, although I absolutely adore working in the garden, it is still plenty full of manual labor and other unkindnesses to my body. Plus, I'm awake from 4:15 am to at least 9 pm every day, with near every minute of that waking time scheduled.

At this moment, as is always the case, I am feeling guilty for complaining, which is something worth exploring a little bit, I think. I guess. It is human to feel dissatisfaction, every once in a while, with our circumstances. As my dad always says to me (and which I can attest to considering my studies in Anthropology), humans are innate problem-solvers. It is what we do. If there is no problem for us to solve, no easy outlet for the workings of our immense frontal lobes, then we create problems so that we may solve them. I think that is why, despite my well-fed, well-stimulated, well-meditated, well-loved state of existence currently, I still feel the need to complain. There's probably more to it than that, but that seems a suitable enough summation for now. Anyways, because I am, in all real, practical regards quite healthy and happy, I focus on any problem I might be able to solve.

Part of that problem-solving process is articulating it to other people in a manner that garners their sympathy, empathy, and interest in solving the problem (aka complaining). Part of it is writing it down in a blog so that everybody knows everything going on in my mind, if they want to know it for some reason. Part of it is my mind picking out every nuanced inconvenience or discomfort in my environment and analyzing it to death until my brain starts to believe that it is a real problem to my existence, and thus produces cortisol and serotonin so that I might actually deal with the problem to my existence--as it would for say, being chased by a panther or falling out of a tree. The issue with that is that I don't actually face any challenges to my existence (I know, it's a tough issue, but I bear through it). So, my brain is evolutionarily designed to release these chemicals as a helpful means to keep me alive in response to stressful stimuli, but considering none of my stimuli are actually all that stressful, that means that I am soaking in a soup of stress hormones in my everyday, mundane, peaceful life. So that means that the problems that initiated the whole thing in the first place, as minor as they are, are amplified in my brain space as essential to me living or dying, which my body responds to immediately, of course, as is evolutionarily practical.

In other words, those minor, silly problems of "I'm sure cold a lot of the time", and "I have little free time because I'm so busy meditating and tending to flowers", and "The GRE is essential for me to continue my already ridiculously extensive education, but seems frivolous and is thus a waste of my time," and "This lovingly prepared, free, extensive meal isn't exactly what I want to eat right now because it's not chock-full of chocolate, salt, and fat" become burdens on my existence. So ultimately my anxiety is a silly thing, and I realize that…but practically it is my reality and it is my suffering.

If only realizing the reality of a thing made its fabricated opposite any less true!

I will say, though, that the manner in which my anxiety manifests here is substantially better (whatever that really means) than it has been for the years I've struggled with this prior to moving to Green Gulch. To start, I was not a huge, petulant, rude asshole. I was actually able to converse with people with a measure of grace and decorum. I take that as a victory (I also wrote a piece about what my anxiety felt like for most of my life in my blog from Hawaii, which can be read here, again, if you're curious or so inclined).

Amaranth :)

Another thing is that I was still able to feel love towards myself, including the anxiety. I don't really think I ever had the thought of "anxiety go away, you're not wanted!" It was more just a feeling of "Well, here it is, it's not good, but here it is". I was still able to work most days (Claudia graciously let me take a comp day on Thursday to rest, which I needed, I think). I was able to get out of the yurt and go and eat three meals a day. I was able to go to zazen most every time I was supposed to go (except for Monday morning and the second period of Thursday morning…which included the Full Moon Ceremony, so that actually worked out alright). I was foggy and addled, but I was able to operate, with the knowledge and firm belief that eventually I would feel alright again, as had been the case every time before. Yay impermanence!

I guess I also want to mention, for no other reason other than cathartic release, that I had an incident that I think was also responsible for triggering a fair amount of anxiety in the past week, but that I just sat with and worked through (with only minimal complaining about it to other people, but yeah I did complain a bit, guilty; and will again now, guilty twice-over, but this should hopefully be it). Anyways, after I missed Monday morning zazen somebody suggested to me that if I miss zazen because of my anxiety, I let the anxiety "win". With full awareness that the person who suggested that to me was genuinely doing it out of a kind and loving place, and that my reaction to her suggestion did not stem from the suggestion itself but from a myriad of moments previously in my life that felt connected to that moment for me in some way, I became rather indignant at that suggestion. Luckily, I don't think I really showed it in the moment, but I was stuck on her suggestion for most of the week (and obviously still am a bit). I guess what bothers me about it is reasons threefold: 1) Like that's not an idea I've ever had and felt immense guilt over, that my missing out on obligations and responsibilities due to my anxiety was a defeat on my part to battle my demons with any sort of just and fruitful effort. Just to be clear, it is an idea that I've had. Many times. Many, many times. That "letting my anxiety 'win'" only makes me feel like quite the opposite of a winner, as is suggested; 2) I know many people who have skipped many zazens for no other reason than they slept through them, and none of them have been talked to about their absences, but I miss one and it's brought to my attention that I could be doing better somehow; 3) All of the subsequent anxieties and insecurities the previous reason ignites--that because I'm a good person, people have high expectations of me, and if I don't meet those expectations, they're disappointed in some way. Which, is natural, as I suppose that's how I feel when someone I hold in high esteem is not great. So that's something I need to watch in myself, to further my compassionate potential, and to not live as, you know, a hypocrite or anything. Also, as Reb suggested in our dokusan, the more that you're helpful, the more people will look to you for help, which is something that I do want; I also just want to lay in bed all day so I can process my life every once in a while and have everybody be okay with that. But, I don't know, such is life, I guess.

Anyways, now that all of that negativity is right on out there, bare and brazen in the open, I'd like to spend some time being grateful.

I am grateful for music that makes me feel naked and alive. I am grateful for the moments I spend smelling the roses, and appreciating their structure and grace. I am thankful for the quails always running around making cute, desperate, dithered noises. I am grateful for my family, who always support me and love me unconditionally. I am thankful for my friends from growing up for loving me despite knowing me my entire life, thus knowing all of my imperfections and lesser than great moments. I am grateful for my friends from college for encouraging me to dance and express myself truly, in full support and love. I am grateful for my friends here for listening to me, for teaching me, for making me laugh, and for being so gosh darn cute all of the time. 

I am grateful for the gentle awareness of non-human animals. I am grateful for the gentle awareness of human animals. I am grateful for the distant light of stars, reminding me that I am only alive for a short moment. I am grateful for my weird lumpy bed in the yurt. I am grateful for the food here, always so delicious and whole. I am grateful for good literature. I am grateful for learning the words "paean", "laudatory", and "chicanery" in my studies for the GRE. I am grateful for the clean air I breathe. I am grateful for the Vitamin supplements I take. I am grateful for the travel mugs that the Guest Program graciously donated to everybody in the community, because now I can drink tea in the garden (and all day LONG). I am grateful for poetry that causes a shift in my awareness about my reality and my being.

An arrangement I made for the yoga studio
in Stillwater Hall

I am grateful for the moments during our chants when the breath of everybody in the sangha synchronizes. I am grateful for sudden moments of quiet awareness of my heart beating steadily in my body, pushing my blood and my liveliness through my organs and limbs. I am grateful for the feeling of taking out my contacts and taking off my work boots at the end of the work day. I am grateful for color. I am grateful for spontaneous hugs given because someone is taken with who I am in that moment. I am grateful for feeling immense feelings of love when I look at someone doing something simple, just because it's them doing it, and that makes it lovely. I am grateful for whenever somebody looks at me lovingly. 

I am grateful for the current expected longevity of the human lifespan. I am grateful to be young and healthy. I am grateful to be living in a time where I can do most anything as a woman, and be taken seriously doing it. I am grateful to be intelligent and sentient. I am grateful that I was raised with an awareness of social justice and righteousness. I am grateful to have discovered Star Trek, and all that that has done for my life (including really introducing me to my love science fiction in general). I am grateful that I am so often able to delight in the wonder that being an unabashed nerd encourages.

I am grateful for long, serene floats in cold water. I am grateful for hot showers that momentarily make my shoulders feel at ease. I am grateful for the increased awareness, mindfulness, and compassion that has arisen from my practice. I am grateful for bizarre humor. I am grateful for Claudia as a manager, because she is immensely kind and knowledgeable. I am grateful I was able to see my cousins on Thursday, after so much time not being able to see them or know them.  I am grateful for the respect that everybody shows everything here, but animate and inanimate--for after all, everything that is inanimate now was animate at some point--even the rocks were once astral bodies careening through space, are astral bodies careening through space still, I suppose.

I am grateful for the fullness of a simple love for many people for who they are: the most interesting, complete, awe-inspiring, wonderful works of art I could have ever hoped to encounter.

I am grateful that I have so many things to be grateful about. 

There's more, I know, but I need to go eat lunch and call my brother, who's back from Europe!

This week I interviewed the gentlemanly, courteous, thoughtful, gentle, patient, funny, charismatic Dominic. His interview is below, make sure to check it out and get better acquainted with this delightful human being! :)

Book of the Week:

I just finished The Name of the Wind (which was absolutely fantastic, I can't wait to read the sequels. I definitely suggest it for anybody who likes fantasy.) I just started The Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet by Becky Chambers, which is a book that my mom found for me. It sounds exactly like the sort of story I love: an anthropological look at a multi-specied crew aboard a ship that has the job of creating wormholes for a galactic federation (written by a woman, nonetheless!) I have definitely enjoyed it so far (it has a real Firefly feel to it) and am very much looking forward to reading more of it. I should maybe read more dharma books or something, but there's plenty of time for that during Practice Period, I think. Might as well try to get some of my frivolity out of my system now (although, of course, I don't think consuming well-crafter fiction is frivolous. It's an experience of art and the delightful enigma of human creativity and expression.)

Song of the Week:

"Old Pine" by Ben Howard

This song reminds me of what summer should feel like, and has felt like for most of my life. It's full of life and friendship, and to me, when I listen to it, I appreciate being young. Also, of course, Ben Howard is a cutie. I saw him live and you could not understand a word he said in-between songs because his British accent was so thick...but it was alright, because he was just so gosh darn charming.

Hot sand on toes, cold sand in sleeping bags

I've come to know that memories

Were the best things you ever had

The summer shone beat down on bony backs

So far from home where the ocean stood

Down dust and pine cone tracks

We slept like dogs down by the fire side

Awoke to the fog all around us

The boom of summer time

We stood

Steady as the stars in the woods

So happy-hearted

And the warmth rang true inside these bones

As the old pine fell we sang

Just to bless the morning

Hot sand on toes, cold sand in sleeping bags

I've come to know the friends around you

Are all you'll always have

Smoke in my lungs, or the echoed stone

Careless and young, free as the birds that fly

With weightless souls now

We stood

Steady as the stars in the woods

So happy-hearted

And the warmth rang true inside these bones

We stood

Steady as the stars in the woods

So happy-hearted

And the warmth rang true inside these bones

As the old pine fell we sang

Just to bless the morning

We grow, grow, steady as the morning

We grow, grow, older still

We grow, grow, happy as a new dawn

We grow, grow, older still

We grow, grow, steady as the flowers

We grow, grow, older still

We grow, grow, happy as a new dawn

We grow, grow, older still

Get to Know a Farm/Garden Apprentice: Dominic

Dominic

This week I had the absolute pleasure to interview my absolutely wondrous yurt neighbor Dominic. He was very patient and accommodating to my questions, and answered them very thoughtfully and genuinely. It was lovely to be able to get to know him better and to spend a portion of my afternoon with him (and Miss Jo too, of course).

Catherine: Hello, Dominic

Dominic: Hello

Jo: Hi Donimic!

*everybody chuckles*

*Craig, a guest student, walks by*

C: Oh, hello Craig

Cr: Hi!

*everybody giggles*

C: This is also why I didn't want to do it (the interview) outside, but it's okay

D: Ah, this is fine

C: Yeah, it's fine

D: There's not going to be that many people walking by. I mean, if you look up you don't see anybody, so it doesn't matter

J: Yeah, it's very nice to look up and see branches

C: We're outside, on the pool deck…

D: A somewhat-inspiring location

C: A somewhat-inspiring location?

J: By "pool deck" we mean "not a pool deck" *giggles*

C: Why is this not inspiring?

D: I just prefer to be in my natural habitat, on the farm. But it's okay, this works, this is where I eat all of my meals

C:Yeah?

D: I'm pretty comfortable here too, especially when horizontal

C: Mmmhmm, mmhmm. So, what would you say your job is here?

D: My job…is to…

J: Save all beings

D: That is my vow, to save all beings

J: Hmm

D: My job is to cultivate the soil of Green Gulch Farm.

C: Ok

D: And the job of the people around me is to cultivate me

*everybody giggles*

D: The people who manage the farm, their job is to cultivate farmers and future Bodhisattvas

J: Do you feel cultivated?

D: Ummm…I feel like there have been changes as a person, since coming here

J: Like what?

D: Ummm…I find them hard to pinpoint, but I would say that I'm better at focusing on whatever the task at hand is, or just putting myself into the current situation, and not thinking about things that are just distractions that are not in front of me. And…I think also I'm just more open to what the universe throws at me, and accept it, rather than trying to control outcomes.

C: Why did you decide to come here in the first place?

D: There was a sequence of events that….for about a year I was unsatisfied with what I was doing with my career. And I had been to Green Gulch once after I got back from living in Asia and traveling in South East Asia for a little bit, and I became interested in Buddhism more, after seeing more people that were practicing it, and seeing how their values were different from mine…and I read Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind and found that there was a sitting workshop here that I came and did…and I became more interested in it…I didn't really practice while I was working, and I had a lot of other things going on in my life…

*Reed and Justin, the Maintenance Apprentices, come onto the pool deck with drills*

C: *giggles* Are you guys going to be drilling?

R: Yeah

*Everyone giggles*

R: Are you guys talking to someone?

J: We're recording an interview

*More giggles*

D: We can move though

C: Yeah, we can move

J: No problemo

R: Are you going to edit out the sound of my voice?

C: Uhh, only I'll listen to it, but I am definitely going to include everything you say in it, for sure

D: Is it still recording?

C: It's still recording, yeah, I can't interrupt it. It's great though, I love this.

D:*starts speaking far away from the mic*

C: Wait, I can't hear you though, you need to come closer if you're going to talk

D: Why don't we go to the table over there?

C: Okay

D: The farther one

C: Oh, the far one, yeah that's a good idea. And you guys can lie down again.

J: Isn't this such a good Goodwill find?

D: What?

C: What, the fleece? Oh, yeah!

C: That bench…

*Sounds of Jo and Dominic moving the bench*

D: Shall we resume?

C: Yes!

D: Okay, ummm….yeah so I was just working for the last few years, just kind of grinding away, and I just wasn't feeling satisfied, and I wanted to do more meditation, but I just never found the time in my schedule because I had a lot of other competing priorities, and I couldn't really carve out the time for it…and then when I quit my job in December I started doing some part-time work, and randomly came upon the Green Gulch website one morning. Just looking to see if there were any more workshops like I did a few years ago, and I randomly saw the Farm and Garden Apprenticeship…and I had already started working full-time at that point, again, but this seemed really interesting to me, and just sort of immediately thought that I would like to (do it). I started planning out how I would like to come here to do this, and what I would do over the next few months, leading up to that--and if I would be able to spend six months to actually come and spend time here, because in the past I  needed to immerse myself in something if I was ever going to make it part of my schedule. Doing little bits and pieces at a time never really affects me. So, yeah, then I applied at the exact same time that I found it, and then two weeks later I came here for the guest student stay, met Catherine and lots of new friends!

C: Mmmm yay! *giggles*

D: And was pretty much sold on it, although I pretty much knew that I would do it, but then I went back to the city for a while, and was just kind of deliberating over it, if it was a good thing for me…and there was a lot of downsides as well, because I had to move out of my house, which was awesome. I was living with two really good friends, and we had this massive house that was a great deal for San Francisco, with our own backyard and all of this stuff, so I would have to lose that, in order to come here. But I just decided that the risks of doing it were not that significant in comparison to this potentially transformative experience. So, I just decided to sack it up and come here.

J: Were the people around you at that time supportive of that? Or were people one way or the other?

D: Umm…my housemates tried to convince me not to do it, and they were not very supportive, because, for whatever reason, they didn't really want someone else to move-in in my place. They were like "We'd rather just move out then sublet to somebody else"

C: Oh, that's nice!

D: Because they had bad experiences in the past and I had been there for like two-and-a-half years, and I think before me there were like seven other people before me that were like a few months at a time, and it was not good for them…and so, I think that was part of the reason why they tried to convince me not to do it, and they were pretty annoyed for some of the time, and it was kind of threatening our friendship at a certain point. And then, gradually they started to accept it, and eventually those guys became very supportive, and ended up making kind of big changes in their lives too, so it was a catalyst for other things…good things to happen. And, other people…yeah, I have some friends who are into meditation practice, and they were very supportive, they were pretty envious…and my family…some of my cousins I'm close to I talked about it and they were very supportive. My parents were just confused, and were just like, "Oh, if you want to do farming, why don't you just do…like go back to school, or do an internship or something like that?" But it's partially because I was telling most people--outside of my close group of friends--that I was like going to work on a farm, and focusing on the farming aspect. But, really I wouldn't have come here if it didn't have both the farming and the meditation. But, yeah, rather than telling people I was going to live in a Buddhist community, it was easier for me to say that I was going to be a farmer. And then if they asked more questions, I'd be like, "Yeah, it's also a Zen Buddhist monastery".

C: Mmhmmm. And you…I take it you really like the farming aspect?

D: Mhmmm, yeah.

C: And you're interested in doing that more in your life?

D: Yeah, it's something I wanted to pursue as a career option. That was definitely part of the reason I wanted to try it out, so in that two week period (the guest student stay) we had to try out farming a little bit…and I had jobs in the past where I was physically active a lot of the time, and I just felt a lot better, in general, in outside work, when I've been active in my work life. 

J: Have you worked in a manual labor job before?

D: No, not really. It's my first time doing that. But, yeah I kind of like it. I like doing manual labor because it's very easy to see the progress that you've made and the outcomes of your work on a daily basis, rather than the projects I worked on when I was doing project management work. I think a lot of it was auditing, so you don't really get to see any outcome, you're just checking the work of other people. And other types of projects where you're just re-doing the same stuff over and over again. Taking a long time to get anything deliverable out, it's just sort of a frustrating process. The farming work is much more inspiring, and being outside is where I'm most comfortable, and also working with my hands and being physically active are big benefits for me.

C: And would you mind just talking about your education for a little bit?

D: Sure, how far back do you want to go?

C: *laughs* However far back seems pertinent

J: To the beginning!

D: So, I was born in California, lived here and went to Kindergarten here, and then I moved to Scotland. I went through elementary school, and middle school, and part of high school in Scotland, and then moved back to California for high school, to finish it out…and then I stayed here for undergrad, did a business degree…and then worked for a year, and then I went to grad school back in Scotland. My graduate degree was in carbon management, which is geoscience, business, and economics, sort of focusing on how businesses can adapt to a changing climate. Then I worked in that field for a while, as a sustainability consultant, and I worked in the solar industry, and that sort of segued into me here, thinking I might want to do something in sustainable agriculture. But I'm definitely learning that it would take a lot more experience working and doing something in that--like if I was running my own farm, I'm not a fully trained farmer after working here for six months. But I definitely have learned a lot…also, seeing farmers that we met through various field trips and people here--you can kind of figure it out as you go along, and you don't necessarily have to go to school for this and do the formal education route. You can study, ask other farmers, and just sort of go by trial and error.

J: Yeah, I feel like farmers really enjoy being part of a community that teaches each other; at least, the farmer's I know get a lot out of that

D: Yeah, I heard the average farmer in the U.S. is like 67 years old

J: Mmmm!

D: So most people are really encouraged when they see young farmers coming up, and they want to give them as much as possible. So, it's definitely good to know, in the future, if I have any questions, people are definitely willing to help out

J: Do you think you want to stay and farm in California?

D: Most likely, yes. I like it here.

J: It's very nice here.

D: Lots of farming opportunities.

C: Do you have any favorite parts of Zen?

D: Hmm…

J: He doesn't have any preferences at all, he's so Zen

*Catherine giggles*

D: Ummm…I like the work practice. I feel like I don't ever resent going to work, which maybe I did in the past.

J & C: Mmhmmm

D: I feel like it's very easy to go, and each task you just go and do it and put your energy into it, and you don't have to second-guess yourself. And…I enjoy sitting zazen, most of the time, when I'm not really exhausted and I feel like I'm really only going because I have to. Other times, I'm pretty motivated to go, and a lot of the time now I feel like I'm not doing enough sitting. Just because we've had to skip a lot due to farm work and I sort of got used to doing two periods of zazen in the morning...and now I really only do that once a week, because of zendo jobs or farm work. So, yeah, that's part of the reason why I'm probably going to do Practice Period, because I feel like that's a good time to really hone in on that aspect of it.

J: I wonder if that's part of their plan, is to get us believing like "Yeah, two periods is normal", and anything less than starts to feel abnormal…and then we all start craving more, and Practice Period happens!

C: *giggles* Craving zazen seems sort of counter-productive

D: No craving!

J *giggles* We're all grasping.

C: *giggles* We're all grasping! Grasping for whatever...

J: For non--grasping

C: For non-grasping! I worry about that sometimes, if I'm too attached to the idea of non-attachment. 

J & D: Mmmmm

C: And the fact that I'm attached to that causes me suffering.

J & D: Mmmmm

C: Right? I don't know, I guess I'll just have to sit.

D: It's not right, it's not wrong.

C: *giggles* non-dualism

D: Sit with it

*Jo and Catherine giggle*

D: Ummm I guess I also like the peaceful feeling that I have…I don't know, it's partially due to the work that I'm doing, and the amount that we sit in zazen. Which is, I'm basically just practicing having a relaxed mindset, and relaxing my body. And also, just the environment we're in gives you this nice peaceful feeling. You feel kind of oblivious to the outside world, so you can just be here and relax. But I noticed that even when I went back from my guest student stay here, or even when I returned to San Francisco or went other places for short weekend trips, it's easy to sort of come out of that pretty quickly. You definitely feel it again when you come back, but I'm wondering how I'll sort of have that as part of my life when I'm not here.

C: Yeah, me too. It's definitely something I worry about. I shouldn't worry. Have you ever lived in a community like this before?

D: No. The most I've ever lived with is six.

J: How do you feel about it?

D: I enjoy it. I mean I definitely enjoy solitude, because I'm a little removed, living over in the yurts. And I was pretty adamant when I applied…or like after I came and stayed here (for the guest student stay) and I lived in the yurt…I pretty much said I didn't want to live in Cloud Hall. I really liked the idea of being a little bit separated from the community, but doing all of my activities and eating…just all of the aspects of community life that take place in this central area, but I like having a little bit of solitude out there. I think it helps keep it balanced, not having everybody in my business all of the time.

*Jo and Catherine giggle*

D: Having the ability to escape.

J: I love having everybody in my business.

*Catherine giggles*

D: But yeah I like living in community. Especially with the farm crew, and also with most people, we're doing everything together, and I think it builds pretty strong friendships quickly, becoming pretty well-attached and connected to people.

C: Mmmhmmm

D: Just because you spend so much time together, and it becomes like quality time…unlike nowadays when I feel like it's not as much quality time with people, just because they're very distracted by everything else that's going on. And, not having phone reception here is a total blessing.

C: Yeah!

D: I'm pretty amazed with how distracted people are when they have the ability to engage with the internet in their hand.

C: Mhmmm yeah

J: Do you think you'll ever live in a community again?

D: Yeah, but I don't think it will be exactly like this, where you are expected to do everything together. I think I would like to live in a closer-knit community where people are more willing to help each other out, and are more neighborly, but not necessarily that you're expected to do everything together. I find that sometimes here people take part in community events only because they have to. Maybe they would prefer to eat a meal somewhere else and be on their own, but they'll go and sit in the dining hall and be surrounded by people who are having conversations, but they don't really want to engage in that. And that's fine, it's just that maybe people should have a little bit more freedom to do what they want. But I think this works well as part of the community where the focus is on Zen practice, because I think this is an important part of the community life here…but it might not necessarily work in other places.

J: Mmhmmm.

C: Do you think that your interactions with the people here are different than the way you interact with people outside of here? Like your friends from growing up or college, or your roommates in San Francisco?

D: Mmmm…yeah, I think that most times, interacting with people outside it needs to be centered around an activity. But I think that oftentimes here people are fine with just doing nothing, or talking, or maybe even not talking. That's maybe the biggest difference.

C: Yeah

D: And, oftentimes the activity that it's centered around with my friends outside is like drinking and stuff like that. It's maybe not the healthiest thing, it's maybe not the worst, but…

C: *giggle* Yeah, that's something that's interesting to me, because I feel like, for me, sometimes I maybe have different…well, maybe not all of the time…but I sometimes have different roles I play, depending on which group of friends I'm with, even if they're friends I'm very comfortable with. So, I don't know, I'm just curious to see if that's the case with other people. *sigh*  Uhh, let's see, do you have a favorite food that they make here?

D: Hmmm. *long pause* I don't know, I'm not a very picky eater and I love the food here.

*Jo and Catherine giggle*

D: It's hard for me to choose one thing…but…*deep inhalation, followed by long pause* I like the Mediterranean food, like the falafel, eggplant, quinoa tabouleh…

J: We're having that pretty soon!

D: Yesss. I also really like Mexican food, whenever they have that, it's a big treat…and…yeah, it's very easy to be a vegetarian here, because the quality of the food is really good.

C: Would you consider being a vegetarian outside of here?

D: Yes…I don't think...I'm not 100% opposed to eating meat, every once in a while. But, definitely don't have the desire to eat it every day. So, it's pretty different…maybe I would eat it like once a week. But yeah, I was making a lot of vegetarian meals before, because it was cheaper, and also just experimenting with what you can do. And also just recently realizing that eating vegetarian is actually really good, and you feel healthier too.

C: Do you think farming has influenced your thoughts on food at all?

D: Yes, definitely.

C: Yeah?

D: Just being able to see how food is actually produced...I was pretty oblivious to most things. When I first started working on the farm I was kind of in disbelief when we would shove these little plants into the ground and it would grow to produce tons and tons of food…and that didn't make sense to me.

*Catherine giggles*

D: When we first started planting these little seeds, these little starters, I was just like, "There's no way this is going to work".  I'm always surprised…and now we have seven acres of vegetables sprouting and it's pretty incredible.

J & C: Mmhmmm

C: Do you have…ummm…a favorite book you like to read? Or a favorite kind of book you like to read? Have you enjoyed any books recently?

D: Ummmm I enjoyed reading The Practice of the Wild

C: What's that?

D: Gary Snyder

C: Oh

D: It's a collection of essays on life in the wilderness...

C: Mmmm!

D:…and wild people, and Zen practice a little bit, and that was pretty inspiring. And…I'm reading several books on Zen practice, also. I read Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind again, since I came here, and one of Norman Fisher's books, and Zen in the Art of Archery.

J: I just read that

D: Yeah?

C: I read that in high school, I haven't read it since

D: And, yeah, some of the books are more engaging. I kind of like what the speaker (Gil Fronsdale) said today, that you don't want to read too much

*everybody chuckles*

D: That you have to see for yourself and not have other people give you expectations for what it's supposed to be like

J & C: Mmmhmmm

C: Did you read much before you came here?

D: On Zen?

C: On anything

D: Ummm, I've gone through phases. For the, like, 3-6 months before I came here I was reading a lot more than I used to, because I was commuting a lot, and enjoying sitting on a train and reading everyday

C: Hmmm

D: But, in general, not that much. It hasn't changed that much since I got here, I thought it would, but I don't have that much free time to do it. Just finding little bits everyday, and I've got like 6 or 7 books that I'm reading right now, rather than just reading one book at a time, which I think would be better...and not trying to read too many different things, because yeah…kind of all over the place with that.

J: Do you find the schedule kind of limiting? Or do you…I feel like some people say that sometimes there's strictness to the schedule, but there's also some liberation. Just...having your life kind of scheduled, at least for a few months, you just kind of settle into it, like "okay".

C: You have more awareness in the moment if you don't have to anticipate what you're going to do next….is the idea I think.

J: Yeah

C: I don't know if that's always true *giggles*

J: Yeah, no

D: Yeah, I've definitely had times where I feel more resistance to the schedule because I feel like I'm maybe being a little bit deprived of free time, and sometimes I'm antsy to get out and do something that I won't really have time to do. But…at the end of the day I think that, like, if I'm only going to be here for like 6 or 8 months, then I should really focus on like what they're doing here and the schedule they've made is really designed to really help you engage with this practice more, and for me, knowing right now that I'm not going to be here for that long, I'm pretty comfortable doing that. And, that I'm not doing as much reading as I would like. That's not really the reason I came here, to sit and read quietly; it was to try out this lifestyle and engage with it more fully…so there have been times where I'm resistant to the schedule because I wish I could do more, but at the end if you just focus on what you're supposed to be doing here and the schedule they've laid out, and you're confident that it's going to be doing the right thing for you, then, I don't know, I'm not as resistant to it anymore.

C: Would you describe yourself as an introvert or an extrovert?

D: Introvert.

C: Yeah?

J: Really?!

C: Yeah! That's surprising to me too! *laughs*

D: Well, it's a community of introverts, so maybe I don't seem so introverted.

C: Yeah

J: That's true

D: Do you think I'm extroverted?

C: You're definitely one of the more extroverted people here, for sure. You're friendly, which I feel like a lot of the people aren't, here *laughs*

J: Yeah, like you initiate conversations

C: Yeah.

D: Hmmm, interesting

J & C: Yeah

C: There are definitely sometimes when I'm sitting at a table, and there's somebody we don't know that well, but you're there, and I'm like, "I don't have to worry about this, Dominic will handle this"

*Jo and Catherine laugh*

C: You got this *laughs*

D: Okay…Yeah, uhhh, I stand by my answer

*Jo and Catherine laugh heartily*

J: Well, now you're on trial *giggles* we need proof. I have a theory--I'm probably not the person who came up with this theory *giggles*--I just don't believe that most people are either introverts or extroverts. I think that the vast majority of people are both, and there's a very small minority who are on both extremes.

C: Mmhmmm

J: It's like, everybody has introverted or extroverted tendencies, depending on the circumstances

C: Yeah

D: Mmhmmm

J: Like exactly what you just said, like here is a community of introverts, and so now you seem like an extrovert all of a sudden. But maybe your friends outside of here would totally describe you as an extrovert

D: Yeah, I mean, not always, but I think I have a very quiet mode where I'm not engaging as much with people, or I don't know, I tend to absorb more than I put out. I think my dad's like that, he's very selective with his words, and I think I've sort of taken that from him.

J & C: Mmhmmm

C: Do you think there is a pattern of what you first notice about a person when you first meet them?

D: What do you mean "a pattern"?

C: I guess…like when you meet someone, are there certain things you tend to notice about them? About anyone you first meet? I feel like maybe I'm not articulating this well…but also I feel like I'm interested because I often feel like girls have an answer to this and boys don't.

J: Hmmm. Well maybe if you gave him an example…

C: *Unnecessarily sassy* Well, I'm not the one who's being interviewed here *laughs*

J: Well, maybe an example…

C: Ummm, well, like, I feel for me, I often notice peoples' eyes. Well not just the eyes, like what they look like, but how they use their eyes to express themselves.

J: I never notice people's eyes. Like if you told me right now that you had different colored eyes, I wouldn't be able to tell, for either one of you, what your eye color is.

C: *laughs* Do you notice something?

J: I notice people's laughs

C: Laughs, yeah

D: Mmhmm

C: Yeah, laughs are good

D: Yeah, I think just people's facial expressions in general, like smiles…I sort of recognize that pretty quickly. I think that says a lot about a person. But…*long pause* I think also, I'm pretty quick to notice when people are self-centered and the way they engage in conversations. Or, yeah, the way they engage in conversations, or how whether they're actually listening, or they're just taking some things and waiting to spit out thoughts. That's something I notice.

C: Do you have elements of yourself that you wish people would notice when they first meet you?

D: No.

C: No, not at all? 

*Jo giggles*

C: Not even your personality?

J: Not even your red hair?

*Everybody laughs*

D: Ummm, that's probably the first thing people notice.

*Jo and Catherine laugh*

D: But, no, I can't really think of anything I'd want people to notice

C: No? Hmmm.

J: *whispering* okay, I'm sorry, but I have to go. I have to make a call at 4.

C: Ok

D: That's unacceptable

C: Whoah, it's already 4!

J: Yeah…

C: *laughs* How did that happen?

D: Somebody was late

*Catherine laughs*

J: We're not going to say who that was. Protect their innocence. 

C: Mmmm, we've got about 9 minutes left on the app.

D: Okay

C; Thank you Jo! *giggles* Bye!

D: Byeeeeee

C: So that's interesting to me, that you don't have a way you wish to be perceived. Is that true? Did I jump to a conclusion there?

D: No, I can't think of one.

C: No? Am I just being too personal with my questions?

D: No, not at all.

C: No?

D: Yeah, I like them.

C: Yeah?

D: I don't think I really mind that much. I think I would much rather let my actions speak for themselves, rather than have people…I don't really care if somebody makes an opinion based on something. I'd rather just express myself in a way that feels more authentic, and then people can make whatever opinion they want.

C: Do you think you've always been like that?

D: No.

C: No?

D: Definitely not.

*Both giggle*

D: No, I just think that when I was younger I was more concerned with trying to fit in, and…a good example is that I used to have a very thick Scottish accent, and it was totally gone after a couple years of coming back to California for high school, because I didn't really want to stand out. I wanted to blend in, and also just be, like, understood. So, I started speaking differently.

C: When do you think that transformation of you no longer caring happened?

D: Probably after college. So like 6 years ago.

C: Yeah?

D: Yeah. Maybe longer. Sometime in-between going to college and now.

*Yuki's charming cat Morrel joined us on the table*

C: Hello, Morrel

D: Do you have any questions Morrel? 

*Catherine giggles*

C: How do you think your friends would describe you?

D: Hmmm…reliable?

C: Mhmmm? *giggles*

D: Um, easy-going?

C: Mmhmmm.

D: *long pause* Yeah. Reliable and easy-going.

*Catherine laughs heartily*

C: Okay!

D: I don't know, that's a tough question for me to answer.

C: Yeah?

D: Yeah. You'd have to ask my friends, I don't really know.

C: That was a good answer

D: Okay

C: Yeah *giggles* Do you miss Scotland?

D: Yeah.

C: Yeah?

D: I don't miss living there, so much…I miss my family over there, and I miss spending time there, but I don't think I'd want to live there right now. 

C: Do you think you'd ever want to live there again?

D: Maybe when I have a family, spend some time there, so they could see a different side of the world. But not in the immediate future or anything…unless Trump gets elected.

C: Yeah? Do you think you'd actually move to Scotland if Trump got elected?

D: I think I might, I think that would just like put me over the edge.

C: Yeah.

D: Or, just like move away somewhere. Not Scotland, actually…I just feel like I couldn't be here. But that's a story for another day, for another interview. Let's not talk politics….

*Both giggle*

C: Are you a Scottish citizen?

D: Yeah, British citizen.

C: Ahhh, right, sorry. British.

D: Yeah, well, it might not be British pretty soon, if we vote for independence again after we just left Europe…or after Britain just left Europe.

C: The EU.

D: Yeah, the EU. I think that was pretty silly

C: *giggles* Yeah?

D: I would rather be a citizen of the EU than of Great Britain, considering how Great Britain doesn't really do anything. Well, that's a lie…but again, a totally different interview.

*Both giggle*

C: Ummm, oh, I had another question *sigh*

D: Make a cutting one

C: A cutting one?

D: One that pierces through any armor.

C: Ahh well I can think of some, I don't know if you really want me to ask them.

D: I asked for it.

C: Okay, we have three minutes *giggles* What are some deep insecurities for you?

D: Hmmm. *long pause* 

C: You have two-and-a-half minutes to answer

D: I guess I'm not very good at pinpointing what they are. I think I know I have some, and I think in general I'm not as emotionally intelligent. I think I've always been very rational, and sort of neglected even thinking about what my emotions are and what I actually feel. I think that was a big reason for me actually coming here. So, I don't know if that's related to insecurities, but I think insecurities and emotions are things I haven't been as tuned in, and that's part of the reason I came here, was to have more of a relaxed mind and kind of tap into that, somewhat. Which I think has come up in some interesting ways through zazen.

C: So you think you've seen an improvement?

D: Yeah

C: Yeah?

D: Definitely…and just being more open in general, and using my heart rather than just my mind, and following my instincts more…just more intuitive in the way that I act and go about my life.

C: Have you been practicing that?

D: Yeah.

C: Yeah? And has it payed off for you, do you think?

D: Yeah

C: Yeah?

D: Yeah, I think so. But there's a lot more work needed, I've just sort of tapped into it. I think that the most valuable thing that I'm getting from this time, and just having a set schedule and being here for a somewhat long period of time, that I'm just able to step out of all of these other things that were taking up my attention, and just bring it all back inside, and just think about what I really want to be doing with all of my time and energy…and, I don't know, becoming better at moving truly and expressing myself.

C: Ok! That was awesome! Thank you very much! *laughs*

D: Cool, you're welcome. Do you have any last questions real quick?

C: *giggles* Ah, ummm, what's your favorite vegetable?

D: *Deep exhalation* My favorite vegetable is….POTATO!

A cute photo of Dominic and Jo on the pool deck

Dai Hi Shin Darani

We call it a grain of sand,
but it calls itself neither grain nor sand.
It does just fine without a name,
whether general, particular,
permanent, passing,
incorrect, or apt.

Our glance, our touch mean nothing to it.
It doesn't feel itself seen and touched.
And that it fell on the windowsill
is only our experience, not its.
For it, it is no different from falling on anything else
with no assurance that it has finished falling
or that it is falling still.

The window has a wonderful view of a lake,
but the view doesn't view itself.
It exists in this world
colorless, shapeless,
soundless, odorless, and painless.

The lake's floor exists floorlessly,
and its shore exists shorelessly.
Its water feels itself neither wet nor dry
and its waves to themselves are neither singular nor plural.
They splash deaf to their own noise
on pebbles neither large nor small.

And all this beneath a sky by nature skyless
in which the sun sets without setting at all
and hides without hiding behind an unminding cloud.
The wind ruffles it, its only reason being
that it blows.

A second passes.
A second second.
A third.
But they're three seconds only for us.

Time has passed like a courier with urgent news.
But that's just our simile.
The character is invented, his haste is make-believe,
his news inhuman.
--Wislawa Szymborska, "View with a Grain of Sand"

Flower of the Week:

It's got to be dahlias. They're coming on up with a fervor, and are just SO GOSH DARN LOVELY

Buddhist Lesson of the Week:

Dai Hi Shin Darani

This is the last of the chants that we do during service that I'm going to write about for a while; I'll shift back to other explorations of Buddhism. We chant this one during most evening services, and it's usually the only chant we do. I am just now beginning to have it memorized, but even still I am still fuzzy in spots, and definitely awkwardly tripping up the people next to me who are chanting, trying to be in synch with me. I'm sorry for that, if they read this. I just really want to nail it and feel super cool during service because I can recite this long Japanese chant. I had no idea what it meant until I looked it up for this post, so that's exciting. I'll post the Japanese version first, the one we actually chant, and then I'll post its English translation after.

Japanese

Namu kara tan no tora ya ya namu ori ya boryo ki chi shifu ra ya fuji sato bo ya moko sato bo ya mo ko kya runi kya ya en sa hara ha ei shu tan no ton sha namu shiki ri toi mo ori ya boryo ki chi shifu ra rin to bo na mu no ra kin ji ki ri mo ko ho do sha mi sa bo o to jo shu ben o shu in sa bo sa to no mo bo gya mo ha te cho to ji to en o bo ryo ki ru gya chi kya rya chi i kiri mo ko fuji sa to sa bo sa bo mo ra mo ra mo ki mo ki ri to in ku ryo ku ryo ke mo to ryo to ryo ho ja ya chi mo ko ho ja ya chi to ra to ra chiri ni shifu ra ya sha ro sha ro mo mo ha mo ra ho chi ri yuki yuki shi no shi no ora san fura sha ri ha za ha za fura sha ya ku ryo ku ryo mo ra ku ryo ku ryo ki ri sha ro sha ro shi ri shi ri su ryo su ryo fuji ya fuji ya fudo ya fudo ya mi chiri ya nora kin ji chiri shuni no hoya mono somo ko shido ya somo ko moko shido ya somo ko shido yu ki shifu ra ya somo ko nora kin ji somo ko mo ra no ra somo ko shira su omo gya ya somo ko sobo moko shido ya somo ko shaki ra oshi do ya somo ko hodo mogya shido ya somo ko nora kin ji ha gyara ya somo ko mo hori shin gyara ya somo ko namu kara tan no tora ya ya namu ori ya boryo ki chi shifu ra ya somo ko shite do modo ra hodo ya so mo ko

English

Adoration to the Triple Treasure!
Adoration to Avalokitesvara the Bodhisattva-
Mahasattva who is the great compassionate one!
Om, to the one who performs a leap beyond all fears!
Having adored him, may I enter into the heart of
The blue-necked one known as the noble adorable
Avalokitesvara!
It means the completing of all meaning, it is pure,
It is that which makes all beings victorious
And cleanses the path of existence.
Thus: Om, the seer, the world-transcending one!
O Hari the Mahabodhisattva! All, All!
Defilement, defilement! The earth, the earth!
It is the heart. Do, do the work! Hold fast, hold fast!
O great victor! Hold on, hold on! I hold on.
To Indra the creator!
Move, move, my defilement-free seal!
Come, come! Hear, hear! A joy springs up in me!
Speak, Speak! Directing!
Hulu, hulu, mala, hulu, hulu, hile!
Sara, sara! siri, siri! suru, suru!
Be awakened, be awakened!
Have awakened, have awakened
O merciful one, blue-necked one!
Of daring ones, to the joyous, hail!
To the successful one, hail!
The the great successful one, hail!
To the one who has attained mastery in the
Discipline, hail!
To the blue-necked one, hail!
To the boar-faced one, hail!
To the one with a lion's head and face, hail!
To the one who holds a weapon in his hand, hail!
To the one who holds a wheel in his hand, hail!
To the one who holds a lotus in his hand, hail!
To the blue-necked far-causing one, hail!
To the beneficent one referred to in this Dharani
Beginning with "Namah," hail!
Adoration to the Triple Treasure!
Adoration to Avalokitesvara!
Hail!
May these (prayers) be successful!
To this magical formula hail!

**I have no idea if this is a correct translation, it's honestly just something I found on the internet. I also have no idea what all of the "blue-necked" stuff is about.

Japanese Snow Bell in the middle of the Herb Circle

Life at the Center:

So I essentially skipped doing a post for last week, for which I apologize. I was away in Sebastopol for most of the weekend, at our friend Ryan's grandparents' house and orchard. Ryan is a farm apprentice here, and he asked a few of the other farming guys (i.e. Steven, Max, Dominic, and Nick) up to the house and orchard for the weekend to help him do some work up there, and somehow Jo and I got into the whole thing as well. Anyways, it was lovely. We got to escape the Gulch and one of the first things we did was go to a Trader Joe's, which of course I found to be entirely overwhelming--I really don't like being in grocery stores anymore, and I think that a large part of that has to do with the fact that I spent so much of my time and energy working for a Whole Foods as a cashier in college. Whole Foods is fine, and I made so many lovely friends there (who I like to call my "Whole Friends"), but it was still spending a lot of my time working for a corporation, spending my time serving people that I cared little to nothing about....anyways, there are a lot of pros and cons about that time in my life, and I shouldn't worry about it anymore, but the result I think is me having a rather visceral reaction to being in grocery stores where I just want to get out of there as quickly as I can. It also might have something to do with the fact that I have basically no money and so can't really do much while I'm in there anyways.

Morrell sneaking into the garden, sneaky kitty butt

Anyways, it was great to leave Green Gulch and immediately be met with a true August. It's so cold and foggy here all day, everyday, and as soon as I leave I'm reminded of the fact that I live in California and it is, in fact, currently summer. I actually thoroughly enjoyed the drive to Sebastopol in and of itself, because I was riding shotgun in Nick's sweet Vanagon, and he incidentally put on Alt-J as the music for our drive, which of course, is my favorite band. I exclaimed "Oh! I love this song" one too many times for my fellow passengers I think.

Ryan's grandparents' house was very lovely, as were Ryan's parents, who hosted us amicably. I also really liked their dog, Leilo (I'm not sure how they spell it). Ryan's younger brother is getting married in the orchard later this year, and so we were doing work to tidy-up the property in preparation for the event. Most of the crew cut down a whole lot of volunteer trees growing around the long driveway. I worked with Max to aesthetically prune one of the trees on the top of the property; I've only just begun to learn how to do pruning, but I enjoy it quite a lot--it's like sculpting using negative space and biology. I don't know if I did a good job or not, the tree might not like what we did, but Ryan's parents sure seem to enjoy it. Also I feel kind of bad that I focused in on that one tree instead of helping out with most of the other work, but the guys and Jo got to cut down a whole lot of things, which they seemed to enjoy doing, so I think it's okay.

We also cleared a small field of volunteer pines for a camping spot for the guests for the wedding. 

After the work we made a ridiculously large dinner using food Ryan's parents bought and food that we brought from Green Gulch (farm produce and bread from our stellar bakery), and just hung out for the rest of the night (and by "just hung out" I mean "drank wine in the massive hot tub"). I think it was really nice to socialize outside of Green Gulch for a bit.

On Sunday we drove back to Green Gulch early because Jo and Steven had to work. Later that day Juniper took me to see the new Star Trek movie as a birthday present, which was very nice of her. The movie wasn't great. It was way too prototypical action-movie for my taste, and not nearly enough of the poignant exploration on what it means to be a human, to be brave, or to be loving that characterizes the show for me. 

For my birthday my mom got me the new Harry Potter book-screenplay thing, The Cursed Child. I thought it was a fun read, but I definitely feel like you miss a lot of what is probably meant to be portrayed in the characters and in the story because you're not watching the play; you're not experiencing it as it was meant to be experienced. I don't want to say too much about it, because I feel like HP is one of those serious fandoms where the fans get upset at spoilers (I know because I am one of those said fans), and I know a lot of people are still waiting for access to the book.

Blooming fennel, chamomile in the background

These past couple weeks I've been thinking a lot about something that came up during my dokusan with the Central Abbess, Linda Ruth. I guess I haven't mentioned that yet, either...but last week I had a dokusan with our abbess Fu on Monday evening and then on Tuesday morning (my birthday) I had dokusan with Linda Ruth, back-to-back. I admire and respect both of them a great deal, and I really appreciate that I was able to see both of them and get to know them a little bit better and have them get to know me a little bit better as well. The highlight from my dokusan with Fu was that she gave me permission to not partake in the Full Moon Ceremonies anymore, for which I am very thankful. I don't really know exactly why I have such a negative reaction to them, it's probably largely the manifestation of a continuing belief in how much I dislike it, continuously building up as a wall in my mind, but for right now I am thankful for the opportunity to explore all of that outside of the ceremony. The thought of going through another one of those right now makes me quite anxious.

Back to my dokusan with Linda Ruth, I guess I also just want to say again how much I like Linda Ruth. Of all of the dokusans/practice discussions I've had so far, she was the most engaged with me as a person, I feel. She actually asked me a lot of questions, wanting to know more about me so that she could offer whatever gentle advice she could. The element from that dokusan that I've been thinking about these past few weeks is her advice to not engage with things unnecessarily (I don't exactly want to share the context for which this advice was given.) That advice made me think about the common idea within Zen to neither touch nor turn away--to not cling to anything and to not reject anything. That phrase---don't touch, and don't turn away--has been springing up in my mind quite often. I have been applying it literally to my life as well, because for me the literal application actually helps me accept and embody its larger, esoteric implications as well...so I found myself often feeling some mild anxiety about this certain area of my life, and then choosing to neither engage with it nor shove it away, choosing to not engage with certain people nor shove them away, choosing to neither engage with certain thoughts nor shove them away. It's an interesting practice for me, because it's surprising how often people, thoughts, circumstances, happenstances, and happenings arise in me either a deep desire or a deep aversion. Watching such things detaches myself from those strong emotions in many ways---but in many ways, it is still me experiencing them. I guess sometimes it helps, and sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes I get frustrated with the fact that knowing that I'm attached to someone or to something being a certain way doesn't manifest in the cessation of that attachment. It still exists, but I'm just aware of it...which can lead to analyzing whether or not I am then attached to the idea of non-attachment, and so the fact that I am attached leads to me suffering on some level. 

Someone brought up to me today that oftentimes guests at Green Gulch have the impression that the residents here are really withdrawn and unhappy, and give off the impression of being unengaged with the people around them. I could imagine that this is a pretty accurate and pretty consistent impression for outsiders to have, especially if they're inherently extroverts. I think that that impression stems from several places, but I think that one of the main ones is that we're all so busy thinking about our thinking, then thinking about how we're thinking about our thinking, that we are just distracted. Which is of course not the point at all, as we should principally be focusing on being with the people around us. But so many of us here are more naturally introverts as it is, and so engaging with strangers is not really our forte. Also, I mean, it's like having a consistent stream of visitors, of visitors who are strangers, flowing through your house every week. This is where I live and work, and this is my home; I just don't have the energy or initiative most of the time to engage with the strangers here, which is really too bad, because I can still remember my time as a guest student and how nice it was when the residents engaged with me.

Snapdragons!

I've also been thinking about the ideas presented in the poem featured at the top of this post a fair amount. Sonja read this poem a couple of weeks ago in our "Buddha is as Buddha does" class, and I really like it. It presents ideas to me that I suppose my thoughts have touched on in some sense, but the poem just dictates them so clearly...that there would be nothing to see if there was nobody to see it, nothing to hear if there was nobody to hear it...that so much of the world is only the result of our capability to cognize and recognize it. That "things" only exist because we are here existing and label them as such, to them they are no different, no distinct from any and everything, inherently and truly. Language is such a wonderful human construction to understand our world, to distinguish things and people and places, to give comprehension to our dimensionality, to our passing through the interconnected void of everything...but it does not entirely represent or encompass the actuality of the universe; it can't, because it's confined to our own conditioning and limited interactions with it all. I'm not doing the ideas represented in the poem any justice, so I'll just let you all read that for now, and let that be enough.

Morrell hunting for voles living under the lavender

   

The garden is lovely and blooming, quiet and busy with bumblebees, quails, and bunnies. I love working there and learning from that place, that space, the plants, the life, the earth. 

I interviewed the sublime Isabelle Ellingson this weekend. I really want to highlight the lovely people here, and Isabelle was the perfect person to start this out with. Her interview is the post before this one, and I think you should all definitely look at it, if you haven't already, and get more acquainted with this lovely lady. I also want to say she was very daring and decided to let me post the interview without her reading through it first, which I find entirely admirable.

Book of the Week:

So, obviously, the book of this week is Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, but as I mentioned before, I don't want to give anything away by talking about it at all, not even my impressions of it, so I'll just say it was fun, but definitely not a Harry Potter book. But yeah, also definitely not a waste of my time, which is saying something, because I only have scraps of free time (or so it feels...but I suppose I'm using my free time, really, to live at this Zen Center, so you know, that's something in and of itself.)

Songs of the Week:

I really want to talk about Shakey Graves, but mostly just because I have a big ole' crush on him. I mean I am seriously pretty in love with him. He is so charming and handsome and talented, how could I not? How could anybody not? I saw him live last year in Denver, and he is just a wonderful in person as I could have ever hoped he would be. Besides, his songs are thoughtful, deep, genuine, and to me, little pure prismatic sunbeams of genius that poke into my life every once in a while.

"Roll the Bones"--Shakey Graves 

(I recommend actually watching this video! Because, yes...he is simultaneously singing, playing the guitar, and playing the drums)

Yeah so it goes

Yeah so it goes

That sweet heirloom 

Them abbey stones

Oh take a chance and roll the bones

Cut off your hair

Unplug your phone

Yeah and sell your belongings

All your clever drawings try to make a dollar

From the grave

But whose to blame

Well so it goes

Yeah so it goes

Them city boys in country clothes

Oh take a chance and roll the bones

Go crash your car

Burn down your home

Yeah try to forget all your enemies and debts

Yeah try to forget all them enemies and debts 

They'll just chase you round and give you sour dreams

Yeah so it seems

Yeah so struggle all you like

Yeah put up the good fight

They say someday everybody dies alone

Yeah struggle all you like

Put up the good fight

They say someday everybody dies alone

But hey

I say who really knows

Yeah hey who really knows

Yeah hey who really knows

"Family and Genus"--Shakey Graves

If,

If I,

If I ever wander on by

Could,

Could you,

Flag me down and beg me to

Drop what I'm doing and sit beside you

So did,

Did they ditch us and leave us with nothing to say

Where,

Where we,

Where we will wait for friends and family

To pass away or come in handy

Oh,

Oh dear,

A rotten summer, a rotten hope, dear

Where, where we wait for to lose our friends and family

To fame and fire, to dame or dandy

To pass away or come in handy

Pine Trees and Peonies

Hello lovely people who read this blog.

You are beautiful.

Also, I spent the whole weekend engaged in some delicate shenanigans outside of the gulch (yes, it happens sometimes.) I have so much to be thankful for and to talk about and dwell over, but I am tired, and honestly don't see me being able to write a post for the past week.

I just want to say that my birthday was really quite wonderful. It was filled with shoveling piles of horse poop and old food, lovely ganache tarts made by the gentle wonder Rebecca, many birthday hugs, Boston Cream Pie made by the gently strong and handsome Jack, some dinner dishes, some dharma discussions, and of course, plenty of zaz'. I also received just so many wonderful and thoughtful well-wishes from my loves elsewhere, and I can't even begin to touch on just how much it all meant to me. I love so many people, and I am immensely grateful. There is no other way I'd rather spend my life, no other way at all, than to be loving all of you.

I was also treated to a wonderful bonfire on Saturday and Juniper took me today to see the new Star Trek. I don't know, I'm just overwhelmed so often with how fortunate I am.

I am also tired. So, without further ado, I wanted to share with you 2 poems that were shared with me this past week, in lieu of a regular post. I'll make up for it next week, I promise.

The first one is a Mary Oliver poem (Mary Oliver's a Zen Center favorite) that the elegant and lovely Isabelle shared during our last class with Wendy last Sunday.

The second one is a poem that my mother shared with me because she thought I'd like it. I sure did.

They are both sublimely poignant and stilling.

"Peonies" by Mary Oliver

This morning the green fists of the peonies are getting ready
to break my heart
as the sun rises,
as the sun strokes them with his old, buttery fingers

and they open —
pools of lace,
white and pink —
and all day the black ants climb over them,

boring their deep and mysterious holes
into the curls,
craving the sweet sap,
taking it away

to their dark, underground cities —
and all day
under the shifty wind,
as in a dance to the great wedding,

the flowers bend their bright bodies,
and tip their fragrance to the air,
and rise,
their red stems holding

all that dampness and recklessness
gladly and lightly,
and there it is again —
beauty the brave, the exemplary,

blazing open.
Do you love this world?
Do you cherish your humble and silky life?
Do you adore the green grass, with its terror beneath?

Do you also hurry, half-dressed and barefoot, into the garden,
and softly,
and exclaiming of their dearness,
fill your arms with the white and pink flowers,

with their honeyed heaviness, their lush trembling,
their eagerness
to be wild and perfect for a moment, before they are
nothing, forever?

"I Hear You Call, Pine Tree" by Yone Naguchi

I hear you call, pine tree, I hear you upon the hill, by the silent                          pond where the lotus flowers bloom, I hear you call, pine tree.        What is it you call, pine tree, when the rain falls, when the winds blow, and when the stars appear, what is it you call, pine tree?         I hear you call, pine tree, but I am blind, and do not know how to reach you, pine tree. Who will take me to you, pine tree?