Diary of an Atheist Buddhist

Sunday, July 17, 2016

Harmony of Difference and Equality

"I respectfully urge you who study the mystery,
do not pass your days and nights in vain."
--Harmony of Difference and Equality

Flower of the Week:

Teddy Bear Sunflower. These guys are huge, dense, long-lasting, and perfectly named.

Buddhist Teaching of the Week:

Harmony of Difference and Equality

Some lovely plums growing by the yurts.

This is another chant that we perform at the end of service frequently. It is another one that I like; I especially like certain portions of it, such as the quote at the head of this post. I find that notion beautiful, especially recently. I also have an affinity for "In the light there is darkness, but don't take it as darkness; In the dark there is light, but don't see it as light." A simple reminder of the non-duality and impermanence of existence, especially if understood in relation to some of our more consistent mind-states. However, I feel like there is a lot of wisdom throughout this, and I find inspiration in it most every time we chant it, which is definitely not true of most of the chants we perform.

As such:

The mind of the great sage of India

Some artichokes blooming.

is intimately transmitted from west to east.

While human faculties are sharp or dull,

the way has no northern or southern ancestors.

The spiritual source shines clear in the light;

the branching streams flow on in the dark.

Grasping at things is surely delusion;

according with sameness is still not enlightenment.

All the objects of the senses

interact and yet do not.

Interacting brings involvement.

Otherwise, each keeps its place.

Sights vary in quality and form,

sounds differ as pleasing or harsh.

Refined and common speech come together in the dark,

clear and murky phrases are distinguished in the light.

Our out-of-control abundant bed of Cosmos

The four elements return to their natures

just as a child turns to its mother;

Fire heats, wind moves,

water wets, earth is solid.

Eye and sights, ear and sounds,

nose and smells, tongue and tastes;

Thus with each and every thing,

depending on these roots, the leaves spread forth.

Trunk and branches share the essence;

revered and common, each has its speech.

In the light there is darkness,

but don’t take it as darkness;

In the dark there is light,

but don’t see it as light.

Some pretty peach roses in the garden

Light and dark oppose one another

like the front and back foot in walking.

Each of the myriad things has its merit,

expressed according to function and place.

Phenomena exist; box and lid fit.

principle responds; arrow points meet.

Hearing the words, understand the meaning;

don’t set up standards of your own.

If you don’t understand the way right before you,

how will you know the path as you walk?

Progress is not a matter of far or near,

but if you are confused, mountains and rivers block your way.

I respectfully urge you who study the mystery,

do not pass your days and nights in vain.

Life at the Center:

I have been struggling recently with what it means to practice with San Francisco Zen Center--of what it looks like to actually work towards the end of suffering within my practice through this institution.

One of the young bucks who live up by the yurts and
who keeps us awake at night sparring with the other bucks

I have been struggling with my privilege and all that I have been provided in my life, while so many people have less than me and suffer a whole lot more.

I have been struggling with how to express these struggles eloquently and succinctly.

There have been a lot of conversations around here lately in regards to the fact that the vast, vast majority of practitioners in the three temples of SFZC are white and come from privileged backgrounds. Of course, there has also been a lot of attention to this fact due to the increased awareness of the consistent and rampant systemic racism in the U.S., as has been tragically seen in the recent shootings of unarmed and non-violent black men by police officers.

Personally, I have also been struggling with the fact that many times a day, every day, we talk about how we all aim to end the suffering of all beings, yet do nothing tangible, nothing immediate, to actually work on ending that suffering.

Lavender, past it's prime at this point (but still lovely!)

I have had a few conversations with people about SFZC's apparent idling when it comes to actually, practically, working to help those who suffer. Most everybody brings up the point (including myself, a lot of the time,) that SFZC is contributing to the cessation of suffering by teaching all of the people who filter through here how to better live compassionately, thoughtfully, and mindfully. As I have said several time in past posts, I really do believe that, in the long run, the most helpful thing anybody can do to end the suffering of the world is to live with love and acceptance of those immediately around you; it is the easiest and most accessible way to encourage peace. However, it is also not always the most direct way. That is the "long game" approach (my friend Nick would always claim he was playing the "long game" when making seemingly insensible moves in board games, and he almost always won every game he played...so through that I can understand that playing the "long game" is harder, takes more concentration and imagination, but is ultimately always the most fruitful...board games are the same as life, right?)

So, it is important to always keep in mind the end goal, and the "long game" approach needed to achieve that end goal (i.e. an end to systemic racism, homophobia, Islamophobia, misogyny, etc.) Such things cannot be fixed immediately; they are too complicated and too ingrained in our collective, societal psyche. Such things definitely need to be addressed on a legal and political scale, but can also be worked on through the grassroots level, of just encouraging everybody to love each other and support each other and accept each other...the best way to end bigotry is to smother the bigots with compassion until they fill with love instead of hate (at least my optimistic, idealist mind hopes so.) But, in the meanwhile, there are people who are suffering egregious hurt at the hands of such large-scale injustices as systemic oppression right now, immediately.

Surely the aim of a Bodhisattva is not to only help cease suffering for all beings through teaching them that their suffering is empty? Surely the aim of a Bodhisattva isn't to work towards the cessation of the suffering of the world by loving slowly and surely? Surely a Bodhisattva should also look around them, see the pain, and seek to help those hurting around them in whatever way they can?

I have looked around here, and noticed so many people here easily getting "overwhelmed" (myself included), especially when we leave the peaceful isolation of our little monastic gulch. People here (again, myself included) get overwhelmed by the stimulation of being in a grocery store, let alone in the midst of a busy city. Here, in our quiet, lovely valley, full of like-minded individuals, it is easy to practice compassion and acceptance; of course I can be accepting and compassionate towards someone who largely shares all of my views...the minute we leave our little bubble, and are confronted with a different reality than what we experience every day here in the Gulch, we feel uncomfortable. Even within our little bubble, I have seen people lose patience, be reactive, lash-out, get in arguments, and get overwhelmed.

A shrine in the garden.
I don't know who it is.

If we practice to be compassionate, accepting, and mindful, but get overwhelmed by a grocery store, or a small (really, really, inconsequential) grievance within the community, how can we say that our practice is preparing us to better confront and accept the great suffering of the world?

How can I, who has lived a very, very sheltered life, feel any right or certainty that I could be of any help somewhere that is effused with real, deep, unbelievable suffering? I have a certain belief (although no knowledge, because again, I have led a very sheltered life) that if I were to go somewhere like say, an inner-city ghetto, or a Syrian refugee camp, or some other such place, I would not even know how to process what it was that I was seeing or experiencing, let alone how to actually understand, fully and rightly, the suffering of such a place. How can a white girl who grew up a half-hour from Aspen really know the suffering of a young black man from inner-city Detroit? Or of a Syrian refugee? Or of any person who has actually been tangibly impacted by war, disease, hunger, or oppression? How could I claim that I would know, somehow, how to help them, because I studied Zen Buddhism in Marin County for 8-months that one time?

I have a wish, although I don't know how it would be fulfilled, for me to learn how to practice amidst actual situations that would benefit from that practice, in a real, practical way.

I have yet to have dokusan (a practice discussion with a current or past abbott/abbess) with Reb Anderson. I feel this is largely due to the fact that I am entirely intimidated by his presence. He has so much flipping presence and it is formidable. But, I really want to know what he thinks about all of this--I want to know what he thinks about the consistent demographic of Green Gulch (and most of SFZC) being privileged white people; I want to know about what work he's done, in whatever form, to actually end the suffering of beings; I want him to somehow give insight into why I feel so guilty for my fortunate life all of the time; I want him to address the Buddhist understanding that suffering is the result of a desire for things to be different than what they are, and that the ultimate goal is to end suffering---but shouldn't I maybe suffer through my desire for our society to be different (less racist, less sexist, etc.) so that I can then somehow (somehow!) work towards the larger suffering of the world?

This is relevant to my own life as well--I have been so aware while I've been here how fortunate I am, and I am continuously grateful for that. But, I really feel, deeply, that I need to take advantage of my fortune, of my sheltered upbringing, of my access to good education, of my time right now to practice, by using it to help others.

I do not know much about the legal system, or the economic system, or the political system. I know a lot about religion, philosophy, and science. Those are the things I'm passionate about. Those are the things that I have the deepest understanding of. So what do I do with that passion and understanding? I don't know right now, but whatever I do, I know it can't be for selfish purposes.

The upper beds look lovely now :) In full bloom!
(Well, almost...still waiting on those dahlias...)

I have, for a long time, had the desire to work in academia--to get a PhD in biological anthropology, work in museums, maybe universities, and just work quietly at advancing our knowledge of how we came to be a species. I love the feeling of being in academia; it feels cozy and comforting to me, while still being engaging and fulfilling...but what would advancing the academic understanding of how we came to evolve consciousness or religiosity or any other such abstract notion as a species help end the suffering of the world? Ultimately, it could be argued that it is important to understand those things--but only a very small, selected (similarly privileged) group of people would have access to the insights that would be provided by such research (honestly, if it could be funded in the first place...our country puts very little funding into science that isn't a part of the pharmaceutical industry...and even less still to biological anthropologists.)

I am consistently plagued by this short (although very accurate, and funny) clip from Archer:

Oftentimes the only tangible thing that comes from studying and teaching anthropology is more anthropologists.

There are, of course, anthropologists who make a real effort to end the suffering of the world. But these are more often than not cultural anthropologists, who can bring awareness to certain plights of the people they study, or medical anthropologists, such as Paul Farmer, who founded Doctors Without Borders.

I guess there are biological anthropologists who do too; Jane Goodall is a good example. One of my personal heroes, Frans de Waal is another--he does research on how we evolved empathy, and how empathy can be seen in other species. But, his research is really only accessible and understood by those who have the base-level privilege to know of him, have access to his books, be well-educated enough to know what he's talking about, and have the leisure to think about such grand ideas because they don't have to deal with the immediate dangers of gang violence, starvation, war, etc.

Anyways, it's something I'm thinking about, and will probably continue to think about for a while.

I guess I'm not really coming up with any plans here to help SFZC reach out and tangibly help those who are suffering. And really, SFZC really doesn't have any money, and all of us are already pretty busy sitting in dark rooms silently for most of the day.

The young bucks caught conspiring.

Otherwise, life here, immediately, is as lovely as ever.

There have been a lot of Humpback and Grey Whales hanging out right off shore along the coast, which everybody has been loving. I have yet to go out and see them, because I'm too busy worrying about things that aren't a part of my present moment.

Also, I've been drawing people pictures of their favorite animals, which takes up a lot of my time.

Bumblebee on the lavender! They love it.

I'll make it out there to see the whales hopefully tomorrow (although, of course, they won't be there then, I'm sure...maybe I'm not sure, I don't know what I'm talking about).

The abundance of plums right now is straight up ridiculous. Plums for dayyyyyyysssss. There are more plums than we know what to do with or can handle. Which, again, there are worse problems.

On Monday some of the farmers and gardeners were treated to a summer pruning class given by Skip, one of the people who designed GGF's garden in the early-80s. A lot of our apples are being plagued by coddling moth larva; Skip suggested we remove all of the apples that show signs of the larva so that they don't reach their pupation stage (to then become more moths.) We spent a considerable amount of time removing infected apples from the trees this past week. A lot of our apples were already affected :( But hopefully we won't have to deal with them too much more in the future.

On Wednesday we had a Green Gulch residents meeting, where our director Sara and our tanto Anna taught us about SFZC's new official conflict and complaint resolution guidelines. We all took a quiz to see what style of conflict resolution we have, and I was relieved to discover that my primary method, according to the quiz, is collaboration, although confrontation was a close second. Those were both the "assertive" styles of conflict resolution--there was also avoidance and accommodation (non-assertive styles) and compromise, which was somewhere in-between all of them on the spectrum. That night we had a Dharma event in which we practiced "looping," which is when somebody tells a story and you actively listen to an extent that you can not only relay back to them what their story was, but also what they seemed to be feeling during the telling of the story, and any under-the-surface, implicit insights they seemed to have while telling the story (that's what the "looping" is). We broke up into triads and took turns, one person storytelling, one person listening, the third just witnessing. The stories we told were of a time that we experienced conflict, and how we dealt with it then. It was interesting, and I think overall "looping" seems to be a very fruitful exercise.

On Thursday I got to take a group of 5 and 6-year olds around the garden, and teach them about flowers and bees. I love talking about bees, and especially teaching kids about bees; it's important for them to learn that they're friends.

Plums growing by the yurts, so we can
snack on them pretty much whenever we
want. Life could be worse.

Thursday night a group of us watched Straight Outta Compton, which I had never seen before, and which is partially responsible for spurring my internal fire of contempt for, you know, racists and bigoted police officers, and systemic violence, and all of that. I've been thinking about it a lot. But also, man is there a rampant objectification of women in that movie.

Yesterday (Saturday) we had another all-day sit, of which I was able to participate in this time. A lot of feelings arise and don't arise around all-day sits; there's a part of me that sort of resents it, because I spend an entire day (13 hours) sitting in a dark room staring at a blank wall. It's a weird way to spend a day.

However, during both my first all-day sit, and this most recent one, I feel rather "meh" throughout the whole day; it's not good or bad, not easy or hard, not stimulating or boring, not insightful, nothing special (which is maybe the point, despite all appearances sometimes, I think Zen wants to be nothing special inherently.) But...after the all-day sits there is always a surge of thoughts arising from the depths of my mind, a surge of awareness and thoughts.

Sometimes I get tired of thinking all of the time. Why do we have to think so much? Why do I have to think about why I have to think so much so much?

A rabbit caught red-handed munching on some snapdragons.

Sometimes I find myself getting mildly frustrated at new people for doing the forms wrong. Then I remember that I used to do the forms wrong, and I had hoped then that people who knew the form would be compassionate towards me. Then I get the form wrong, even now, and I hope people excuse it. Also, why do I even care? I'm not (religiously) Buddhist. Do I actually think that the large statue of Manjushri, the Bodhisattva of Wisdom, that watches over us in the zendo would be offended by someone bowing to him incorrectly? That any of the dead ancestors care that you chant their names incorrectly?

The answer to those questions is: no, I don't. I best check why I attach myself to fixed views for no reason.

As of this morning we're going to have entirely silent breakfasts (the first 10-15 minutes of every meal are silent anyways.) I think this will be nice, although I'll miss my early morning socializing. Or maybe I won't. I guess I can't know such things now, before they happen.

Looking down at the girls' yurt and our view of the farm
(It is usually a foggy view)

Songs of the Week:

I love these two songs (maybe I don't need to always preface the songs I feature on my blog with an assertion that I love them? Perhaps that is self-evident.) Anyways, I find them to be stirring, powerful, poignant, and full of stories (despite the fact that they're both solely instrumental.) They move me to feel fully and actively, to be engaged, to be inspired. I hope that you feel some semblance of such wonder when you listen for yourself:

Ludovico Einaudi--"Divenire"

Ludovico Einaudi--"Primavera"

Sunday, July 10, 2016

What it Means To Be an Atheist Buddhist

"Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention,
how to fall down into the grass,
how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed,
how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?"
--Mary Oliver, "The Summer Day"

What it Means to Be an Atheist Buddhist:

"Beings are numberless, I vow to save them.
Delusions are inexhaustible, I vow to end them.
Dharma gates are boundless, I vow to enter them.
Buddha's way is unsurpassable, I vow to become it."

These are the vows of a Bodhisattva, or somebody who practices a Mahayana form of Buddhism. A Bodhisattva makes such vows with the intent of completely devoting their lives to the cessation of suffering of all beings, which in Buddhism is ultimately done through helping them attain nirvana through following the teachings of the Buddha. "The Buddha" means "The Awakened One." He is the being who, through a series of events unique to his life, was able to attain enlightenment (and thus nirvana, or escape from the cycle of birth and rebirth). His enlightenment showed him the ultimate reality of existence, and within the truth of that ultimate reality he saw an end to his own suffering. This could have been enough for him--to end his own suffering; to be aware, awakened, solely cognizant of the myriad truths and untruths that constitute the cosmos. However, a part of this enlightenment was the realization that everything is connected, that everything is the manifestation of a "dependent co-arising," or that every moment of all of existence is only the result of every being and every thing existing as it does together in that moment. So, the Buddha knew that he needed to share the manner of his enlightenment, and all that he came to know from such an experience, and became the first Bodhisattva. Because each moment, our world, our cosmos, our reality is entirely arisen each moment by the myriad beings and things in their entirety, he knew that suffering could not truly end until all beings are saved, are enlightened. Not just humans, not just animals, not even just the beings in our realm of existence, but all beings.

Delusion is the principal cause of suffering. Greed and hatred are both forms of delusion, and thus so are attachment, jealousy, ignorance, anger, and frustration. Delusion is the separation of awareness from the ultimate realities of Buddhism--that nothing is permanent, that we are all connected, and so there is no true, permanent self. In fact, there is no true, permanent anything. Human beings (most beings) tend to cherish their selves above everything else, which is innately natural. However, the Buddha saw that ultimately it was even more natural to come to the realization that the self is empty, is only the manifestation of everything it is not as it comes together in that moment, only to dissipate and be brought together in the next moment by all that it is not. So, in order to save all beings from suffering, a Bodhisattva must help every being to ease away from their delusions, to ease away from their attachment, anger, greed, and hatred.

Because every moment is a unique, unprecedented, never again repeated amalgamation of events and beings, there is an opportunity for learning, growing, releasing, and accepting from every new thing each moment provides. The Dharma is the teaching of the Buddha, or as Buddhists tend to understand it, the realization of reality. A "Dharma gate" is an opportunity that is provided in each moment to accept and realize the Dharma, to step through your delusions and to understand the ultimate truths of emptiness, dependent co-arising, and impermanence. In every moment such an opportunity is given--to accept and realize the true nature of being, of truths and untruths, of the cosmos, of reality, of it all. A Bodhisattva thus not only looks for, opens, and steps through the endless Dharma gates that arise throughout existence, but also helps other beings to recognize those Dharma gates, those opportunities for growth and improvement, as well.

All of this is contained within the Buddha's way. To be unselfishly (because there is no self, it is easy to be unselfish) giving, patient, accepting, kind, and sincerely compassionate. To live with love and hope that every moment provides an opportunity to end the suffering of others, and in so doing work towards the end of suffering for the world, for the universe, for it all. Everything is empty, everything is connected, and so there is no other purpose to existing than to give everything you might have in that moment to help the other beings in this strange, twisted, marvelous, momentary blip of conscious existence we conveniently label and understand to be life.

Now, because human beings are astoundingly complex creatures in how we evolved to view and interact with our world, such teachings on the inherent emptiness of everything came to be necessary, so that we would not feel so frustrated by the confusing nature of our interactions with each other and the cosmos. Also, because we are astoundingly complex, we then often feel it is necessary to take a simple teaching by a great being who only wanted us to all love each other and re-work it so that it can better suit the means of the myriad facets of our detailed existence. Thus, religions are born. They are born around a message, and by that I mean humans create traditions around teachings, create songs and chants, create idols and images, create customs, dances, bows, and performances so that we can better adapt the teachings to our complicated lives; so that we can remember the old teachings within communities; so that we can take refuge in the simplicity of being told what to do and how to believe that the realities of your suffering have a meaning and purpose. Thus these teachings then bring us together, to live with each other and learn from each other. Thus these teachings often create an in-group to which their must then be an out-group, consisting of everybody who does not understand the divinely suitable understanding of reality, existence, and suffering that you have come to accept and realize.

I believe this to be true of all religions, not just Buddhism.

Now, I identify as an Atheist. I also identify, more or less, as a Buddhist. For all intents and purposes, I identify as the latter as a means of convenience to explain where I am living currently, and what I now spend copious amounts of time studying, practicing, and learning from.

To start, I don't find the two incongruous principally because Buddhism in an atheistic religion. There are no gods, not really, in Buddhism. The Buddha is not a god. He is a man who discovered something he thought was pretty neat, and he wanted to share that with many other people. There are some Buddhist traditions that have deities (such as Tibetan Buddhism), and some sects of Buddhism even consider the Buddha to be somewhat like a God. There are a lot of rather fantastical stories even within Zen literature about the Buddha and the great Bodhisattvas (such as Avalokiteshvara and Manjushri.) But believing in any of this is not a prerequisite for the religion. They are just a manifestation of many years of tradition and the amalgamation of Buddhist thought with the thoughts of various cultures. I do not believe in any of the fantastical elements of such Buddhist traditions; I quite honestly don't think the Buddha himself would have really wanted me to.

I don't want to disregard in any way the real important understandings about my existence as I best comprehend it that have been provided to me through my study of Buddhism. Buddhism, and really, all religions, I understand to be nothing more than philosophies. They are a way of connecting to and understanding our world, each other, and the purpose of it all. They are philosophies that have inspired in people a glimpse of "true reality" to such an extent that it inspires them to "spread the word", with the hope that other people will come to understand their truth. I think that people have this innate urge to do so for many reasons--primarily that we are a gregarious species (being social primates) and so feel a real, inherent necessity to connect to each other. Because humans feel it is so important to give meaning to our lives, the most important way we can connect with people is through sharing an understanding of this meaning. Also, I believe that in many cases this is done because people honestly usually wish the best for each other, especially the people they are close to. So, if they believe they have found a way to alleviate suffering--whether it is through the 8-fold path, a refuge in God, or the presence of a heaven--they want others to also share in that end to suffering. We want people (again, especially the people we're close to) to be happy, because in many complicated ways it usually means that we'll be happy as well.

So, religions and traditions are built upon important philosophies that bring elucidation to the point of life, especially when we all die and are surrounded by death throughout our lives.

My thoughts on the world were not arrived at flippantly--I believe them to be the culmination of a rather thorough investigation on my part. The reason I feel inclined to address them is that quite a few people have expressed to me a wish for clarification on what it means for me to call myself an "Atheist Buddhist." As my own personal understanding of how I came to identify as such is detailed, complex, and the result of a myriad of influences, I can't give my answer lightly or easily. I've kept putting this off because I felt it would rather be an endeavor, which it sort of is. I hope that this can give insight into how I understand my place in the universe for all of you who had hoped to gain some insight into it.

I am not the only person, by any means, who thinks of their world through the lens of an "Atheist Buddhist." Stephen Bachelor is the most well known, of course, although I have yet to read anything by him. I imagine I'll agree with him on most things.

A lot of my views were established through my studies in college, where I double majored in Anthropology and Evolutionary Biology & Ecology (EBIO), and minored in Religious Studies. Anthropology was a great bridge between EBIO and religious studies. For those of you who aren't entirely sure what it means to study Anthropology, it is the study of humanity, and is comprised of four main sub-studies: Archaeology, Linguistics, Cultural Anthropology (the study of contemporary cultures), and Biological/Physical Anthropology (the study of the evolution of our species, including the study of primates). I focused on Physical Anthropology in my studies, but had to also study Archaeology and Cultural Anthropology in order to get my degree. Perhaps needless to say, religion is inherent in the shaping and practices of every culture on our planet now and throughout history. In my studies for my Religious Studies minor I ostensibly just studied comparative religions, and how religion shapes cultures, people, and their history. I studied Islam, Christianity, Tibetan Buddhism, and even to some degree Sikhism, Shamanism, Paganism, Mormonism, and various other religions that aren't necessarily "world religions" (such as Christian Science or Seventh-Day Adventism). Throughout my studies on our evolution as a species, our history as a species as understood through archaeology and religious studies, our cultures around the world now, our relation to other primates and animals, and how life evolves and chooses traits in order to best proliferate our genes, it became clear to me that:
1) God is a fabricated construct brought about through various social means to achieve various social and psychological ends, and
2) Every religion is actually similarly something our species has some sort of inherent tendency towards.

I am intensely interested in further studying how it came to be that religiosity (a capacity to be religious) became an inherent trait within our species--I'd dare say even a defining trait, just as much as our bipedalism or immense frontal lobes are. Humans don't only feel an intense desire to connect to something larger than ourselves--we feel an intense need for it. We are so aware of our own mortality--and this clearly suits our success as a species, because we are, right now, biologically speaking, a very successful species; we have no shortage of population growth and have been able to build habitat across the entirety of the planet. However, our awareness of our own mortality has brought us all to some awareness that we must then have some purpose to being alive. Why is there life? Who do I, as an individual, exist?

I find a certain sort of sublime beauty in answering that question with no answer. There is no "point" to our existence or to my existence as an individual. It is, undeniably, completely unbelievable and amazing that so many crazy, improbable events occurred to make not only life on Earth possible, but my own life within that life possible. I am nothing but the culmination of a series of happenstances. I am nothing but a stage in the shifting of stardust. I am only The Universe realizing some tiny portion of itself for this insanely short amount of time. Ultimately, I am nothing.

Which of course, is where Buddhism comes in quite nicely. "Indeed," the Buddha says to me, "you are nothing. But you are such an important nothing." Without my happening to exist as this particular set of elements at this particular time, nothing else could be possible. Buddhists say that nothing is experienced outside of the mind, which to me makes sense. All that I can understand of reality (which is really the only reality I could ever hope to relate to in any sort of deep and fathomable way) is created by, and limited by, my brain. I could not know how to see, how to hear, how to touch, etc. without my brain. All that I know of such things is through my brain. Especially considering that I only have three cones in my eyes that can process color, and only so many smell receptors, and taste receptors, and nerve endings, I know that I could only ever hope to know a tiny sliver of what actually constitutes the ultimate reality of everything. A Mantis Shrimp, with it's 16 cones, knows so much more of color and light than I ever will. A dog with its multitudes of smell receptors will know so much more about that reality than I can ever fathom. The fact that I will live about 80 years, and am evolutionarily and physically constructed to lives as such, adds dimensions to how I perceive and move through time and space that is so much more and so much less than how an ant or a hummingbird, an elephant or a blue whale, understands their time and space. With such an awareness of subjective realities, how could I ever comfortably claim that there is an objective reality? That even if something like that were to exist, it would be able to be understood by any being that is living as we know it?

Buddhism helps me with all of this as well, by providing the understanding that there is a non-duality to existence as we perceive it, due to the nature of the emptiness of everything. Things can be this, that, this and that, or most usually, both this and that and not this nor that. If everything is, nothing is. If nothing is, everything is. It is only ever our training within our certain cultural upbringing that has trained us to look at things as opposites, when really things are usually simultaneously opposing and the same.

I find that a lot of Buddhist understandings on the nature of reality are not only compatible with those increasingly provided by modern science, but actually congruous with them. Buddhism is a philosophy (albeit not always a tradition) that is centered around change and adaptability. As the Dalai Lama said, "If scientific analysis were conclusively to demonstrate certain claims in Buddhism to be false, then we must accept the findings of science and abandon those claims."

It is amazing to me that there is a tradition 2,500 years old that is so accepting to change; it's a testament in and of itself, in my opinion, that it has remained a tradition with central teachings for so long, given how accommodating and accepting it is of change…it shows how steadily applicable those teachings are throughout the many years of change inflicted upon it. I have already written a post about how I can easily accommodate the Buddhist dogmas of impermanence, no-self, and interconnectedness with my understanding of the world as provided to me through my study of Biology (which can be found here.) As such, I'm not going to say too much more about how Buddhism fits with that particular element of my Atheist view of the world right now.

More difficult, perhaps, is fitting the central Buddhist beliefs of karma and reincarnation into my Atheist worldview. For one, I don't believe in reincarnation. I firmly believe that when I die, I die, and that is it. There is nothing for myself to experience outside of life--no afterlife, no rebirth. I like the Buddhist teaching that in each moment a new self is created and destroyed (for the teaching is not really that there is no self, just that there is no permanent self), because every moment provides a new composition and aggregation of events that make up reality. Again, I've already touched on this in past posts, so I won't do a lot more of it again now. I accept this to be ultimately true, even if most of the time it is tangibly hard to believe. Physically, I am not the same person I was a moment before (because of shifting and dying cells, new elements entering and exiting my body, etc). So, I suppose, in that sense, I can agree with reincarnation, in that every moment, every day, every year, I am different. There is no "me" that really travels this life, but an almost infinite series of "me's", constantly in flux, that are consistently being born and dying.

I suppose that I can also say I believe in reincarnation in that when I die, the elements and energy that has comprised my body will be turned into new life via decomposers that will be consumed by plants, bacteria, fungi, and animals to continue their lives. But, I do not believe, nor do I ever see myself believing, that "Catherine" will be reborn as an otter or a sunflower or a Pakstani Boy at sometime in the future (as lovely as all of those things are.)

As far as karma goes, I also firmly believe that every action has a consequence. This is easy to see when thinking about our interactions with other living beings, especially people, but I think it is true in simpler moments alone as well. Just this morning Jiryu gave a Dharma talk about how every single action we make impacts the world. Usually Buddhists consider "thinking" an action as well. This, I believe, can be seen tangibly as well. If I become upset, even if no one's around, that makes an impact on how I interact with people when they are around, which impacts their mind-state and actions, which impact the mind-state and actions of the people they interact with, and so on. This is a fundamental teaching within ecology as well--that nothing in the world is an island unto itself, that how you interact with your environment in every moment creates a chain reaction that impacts everything around you, which in turn impact everything around them, and so on. Conversely, I am nothing but the culmination of everything else moving, acting, and thinking--I am the result of everything that is not me just as much as everything else is the result of me. Karma is another way of understanding interdependence. So, if I interact with the world negatively, the world becomes more negative, and eventually, I will feel the effects of my negative actions, sooner or later (same, of course, with positive actions.)

The world is hurting right now (and always) because people do not realize that every action and thought they have impacts the world, although they have the capacity to do so. Somebody gets hurt, or is trained to hate, or lives in the delusion of separation, and they go and react to their suffering by killing 50 people in a nightclub in Orlando, or shooting unarmed black teenagers, or raping college girls, or working for a corporation that consciously works towards polluting our world for a quick profit, or running for office on the basis of fear and anger, or any other such terrible thing happening right now. In turn, people often respond through reaction--which is entirely reasonable and understandable. Hatred breeds hatred; fear breeds fear; anger breeds anger, and so on. It is hard to not get upset about how much suffering there is in the world, and how there just seems to be so many people who seem intent on continuing that suffering, of adding to the world's pain.

For me, I often react by feeling immense guilt, which leads to anxiety and depression. Guilt about being white and privileged; guilt about being American and educated; guilt that I don't suffer as much as so many other people do. This guilt leads me to believe that there is no way I can make an impact on the world, especially from my cushy existence spent gardening and meditating at a Zen center. I don't know what it's like to be a person of color, or homosexual, or starving, or sick, disabled, traumatized, or oppressed in any sort of real way. I am really, truly grateful for this, in many ways; however, I don't believe I can fully relate to the suffering of all of these people, and so I don't know how to help them.

With this, Buddhism helps me as well. We are all connected, because we are all inherently nothing. Hate begets hate, yes---but love also begets love; stillness begets stillness; compassion and empathy beget more compassion and empathy. Practically, I know such an ultimate and idealized understanding does little to change such systemic injustices as racism, homophobia, Islamophobia, or misogyny. But it is truly overwhelming to expect myself to work towards ending all of these things. Instead, palpably, I can love intensely those around me, and make them feel important and loved, so that they can in turn go and make people feel important and loved, and so on. The only way to change the world is to be the change you wish to see in it (paraphrasing Gandhi). Being violent, angry, arrogant, willfully ignorant, jealous, or even guilty, does nothing to end the world's suffering--it only adds to it. As Martin Luther King, Jr. said, "Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that".

Zen teaches me that the only way to live life is through the gentle practice of mindful awareness and compassion. By living my life with an appreciation for life as it is, every moment, even throughout the suffering, I am stronger and more able to love deeply and openly. I think that people know that when I love them I do it genuinely, and I think that makes a difference to them. People are inspired by those who are honest, trustworthy, gentle, brave, kind, and loving. There is some deeply, curiously, innate part in us that knows that is what is good (I could hypothesize why this could be evolutionarily speaking, but I think that will ruin the flow for now). To be good and loving is all that there is to do of any importance with our short, magnificent, sad, lovely lives. It is the only thing worth living for.

To save all beings, to end all delusions, to be open to moments of insight, to live with compassion and awareness--that is how I strive to live as a Bodhisattva, how I can learn from the Buddha honestly and genuinely, without believing in enlightenment, samsara, or nirvana; without being a hypocrite.

Being a Buddhist has given me context to allow myself to enjoy moments in life with unbridled love and affection; to appreciate the gentle sound of wind shifting through trees, or how a beam of sunlight illuminates the individual droplets in my shower, or how a person's eyes get bright when they talk about something they love; to feel calm and empty when I look out over vast mountain ranges or even vaster oceans; to appreciate the bizarre wonder of humanity shifting, breathing, bustling, and bursting in cities and crowded rooms; to wonder at the spectacle of acknowledging that there are other people that do not share my views in the slightest, and how it can be so; to know how animals are simple and complex and lovely, and that flowers often seem sentient after it rains.

Human beings are complicated, and so how we interact with and view the world is complicated. All that this long explanation is is true for this moment. I hope that it is subject to change, or else I shall find myself rather bored as life progresses. I do not feel so collected and calm about all of this, nor connected to all of this, when I am anxious and/or depressed, for example. But I believe that a lot of these beliefs are touching on a deep knowledge for how things are, with a complete awareness that most everybody probably feels that way about their own beliefs, which differ from mine.

So it goes, I suppose.

I hope this helps answer some questions. I really don't mind it people disagree with me on any of this. This is just one way of connecting to existence.

Songs of the Week:

I have been thinking about these songs by Gorillaz lately, an old favorite of mine. This album Demon Days is so, so good, in my humble opinion. The live recording of it at the Manchester Opera House is still one of my favorite things to listen to (I first got into the Gorillaz and fell in love with Demon Days when I was 13.) Both of these songs just seem to be so entirely relevant, especially considering the events of the past week.

Kids with Guns:

Kids with guns

Taking over

But it won't be long

They're mesmerized

Skeletons

Kids with guns

Easy does it, easy does it, they got something to say no to

Drinking out (is she real, is she)

Pacifier (is she real, is she)

Demon souls (is she real, is she)

Street desire (is she real, is she)

Didn't mean to (is she real, is she)

But it won't be long (is she real, is she)

Kids with guns

Easy does it, easy does it, they got something to say no to

And they turn into monsters

Turning us into fire

Turning us into monsters

It's all desire

O Green World:

Oh, green world

Don't desert me now

Bring me back to fallen town

Where someone is still alive

Fighting for something new in this

When no one needs the heart of me and I'll

Get out somewhere other than me before

O green world

Don't deserve me now

I'm made of you and you of me

But where are we?

Oh no

Sells to lie

Phone with talk, you stars

Suppose you

Down when you're in fast

'Cause it seems so little to you

But now you're in love, you know

You know, me too

I hope sex and drugs rust into my self, holy

It feels holy

It feels like you're with your father in the place you love

Saturday, July 2, 2016

All Buddhas & Loving Kindness Meditation

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return"--Nat King Cole

Flower of the Week:

I have no idea what these are called, nor how to find what they're called. They're awesome though...they look like stalks
of tiny purple bubbles until they open up into these lovely, delicate flowers. I just call them the "Purple Bubble Flowers"

Buddhist Lesson of the Week:

All Buddhas & Loving Kindness Meditation

A plump and handsome quail

During morning service, after we chant either the Shosaimyo Kichijo Darani or the Enmei Jukko Kannon Gyo, the Kokyo (person who leads the chanting for the service) gives appreciation to Shakyamumi Buddha, Mahapajapati (first female ancestor), Bodhi Dharma (founder of Zen in China), Eihei Dogen (founder of Soto Zen in Japan), Shunryu Suzuki (founder of San Francisco Zen Center), and the Bodhisattva of Wisdom, Manjushri (during which all of us in the zendo are in a sort-of full-prostration, with our foreheads touching the ground, but done from a sitting position.) We then chant the "All Buddhas" chant, followed by a longer chant that is often done pretty awkwardly because people inevitably become desynchronized at some point and it becomes rather discordant and quiet. The longer chant rotates based on what day it is. After the longer chant we chant the names of the ancestors (usually the male ones, but sometimes we chant the female ones as well.) We then chant the "All Buddhas" chant in Japanese, and that's usually the end of the chanting portion of service (we still have another three full prostrations to go, followed by many more standing bows before service is actually done.)

I thought I would begin to introduce the longer chants that we do now, as they're usually more interesting than the shorter chants we do every day. We're going to start with one of my favorites (perhaps my favorite one,) The "Loving Kindness Meditation." It should hopefully be obvious why I love this one so much. It is, quite simply, lovely. It is such a clear, obvious, yet joyfully loving way to approach living life... Including being wise without being "puffed up" (I really, really, love that.)

Zinnia bed

All Buddhas (English)

All Buddhas, ten directions, three times.
All beings, bodhisattva mahasattvas.

Wisdom beyond wisdom, maha prajna paramita.

All Buddhas (Japanese)

ji ho san shi i shi fu
shi son bu sa mo ko sa
mo ko ho ja ho ro mi

Loving Kindness Meditation

This is what should be accomplished by the one who is wise,

Who seeks the good, and has obtained peace.

Sweet Peas

Let one be strenuous, upright, and sincere,

Without pride, easily contented, and joyous.

Let one not be submerged by the things of the world.

Let one not take upon oneself the burden of riches.

Let one's senses be controlled.

Let one be wise but not puffed up and

Let one not desire great possessions even for one's family.

Let one do nothing that is mean or that the wise would reprove.

May all beings be happy.

May they be joyous and live in safety,

All living beings, whether weak or strong,

In high or middle or low realms of existence.

Small or great, visible or invisible,

Near or far, born or to be born,

May all beings be happy.

Let no one deceive another nor despise any being in any state.

Let none by anger or hatred wish harm to another.

Even as a mother at the risk of her life

Snap Peas

Watches over and protects her only child,

So with a boundless mind should one cherish all living things.

Suffusing love over the entire world,

Above, below, and all around, without limit,

So let one cultivate an infinite good will toward the whole world.

Standing or walking, sitting or lying down,

During all one's waking hours,

Let one practice the way with gratitude.

Not holding to fixed views,

Endowed with insight,

Freed from sense appetites,

One who achieves the way

Will be freed from the duality of birth and death.

Life at the Center

It's been a couple weeks since I last wrote a post, which I have good reason for. Last week my weekend was pretty much entirely taken up with Pride in San Francisco, and I had almost no free time. Writing this blog takes up copious amounts of my free time, and so, for last week, it could not be done. Honestly, I can't really remember much of anything exciting or noteworthy that occurred the week before this past week, and so I feel okay with not really writing anything about it. Last week, however, was decently full of some interesting events.

Me and Duras in the parade

I think I would like to start by talking about Pride. I can't say I've always necessarily felt a super strong inclination to participate in Pride festivals, as I do not identify as LGBQT+. However, in recent years (really since I started college onwards) I have made some really good friends who do identify as LGBQT+, as well as having one of my best friends recently come out as gay. I've always believed that LGBQT+ people were entitled to the same rights as heterosexual people, in a really basic, innate sense...because you know, it makes sense. I'm happy to celebrate the recent advancements in the rights of these people, who definitely represent a sizable portion of our population, are people, and thus should be treated as people are. It makes me rather indignant and fiery to think that there are so many people in the world who are so delusional as to think that for some reason who someone is attracted to emotionally and physically (as long as it's a consenting adult) should some how be regulated, or that a person's rights should be restricted in some way because of it. Aaarrrghhh. It makes me mad.

Anyways, especially in relation to the recent tragic, horrific mass-shooting in Orlando, it felt more important to me than ever to show my support as an ally to the LGBTQ+ community. It is also fairly well-known that San Francisco Pride is sort of THE Pride event (or at least the largest.) San Francisco Zen Center has a spot in the parade every year, and so it seemed entirely tantalizing to me to pop my Pride cherry by participating in the parade of the largest, grandest Pride event there is.

A group of us left Green Gulch on Saturday night to stay at City Center (the branch of San Francisco Zen Center actually in the city.) I've never been to City Center before, and I was very excited to check it out. I was definitely not disappointed. It was absolutely lovely. It's in this big, old building in a rather nice neighborhood of the city. The building used to be a home for Jewish girls before SFZC bought it, and so there are large Stars of David in the iron working around the center. There's a large courtyard in the middle of the complex, and the building itself is four-stories tall. We were told to check out the roof, and we managed to time it perfectly so that we were on the roof at sunset. It was astoundingly, staggeringly beautiful. The roof provided a 360-degree view of the city, and the sky all around us was a soft pink, with no fog to be seen. The Civic Center was lit up in rainbow colors to commemorate Pride. As a country bumpkin myself, who has never really lived in a city, I was in awe of how beautiful the city scape was. I had the thought that the sort of awe and wonder I was experiencing on the roof was probably similar to what people experience when they first see the Green Gulch garden (and farm.) It's been 5 years for me now, and I can't remember what my first impressions of the garden were, especially now that I have a more intimate relationship with it. I imagine it was one filled with splendor, as that's what I still experience softly most every day.

Green Gulch crew at Pride

We slept in the Buddha Hall, which as far as I can gather is the zendo-type space that the public practices in (there was an actual zendo, but I think it's just for the ~60 residents of City Center.) Before we went to bed an apprentice at City Center recruited us to make the signs for SFZC to hang on the sides of our van in the parade. It was about 9 o'clock at night when we started, which for us Zen students is mighty late. Anyways, long story short, we spelled "Francisco" wrong on both of the signs, and didn't realize it until they were up on the van in the morning (we spelled it "Fransisco.") It was definitely something for me to practice with. I seldom make spelling errors, let alone such an egregious one that was going to be seen by thousands of people as a representation of the organization I am part of and respect. I ended up just hoping that people, if they noticed it, would find the mistake endearing. Otherwise the signs were quite lovely.

One of the notorious signs

We were told that we should "dress up" for the parade, but in a way that was fitting of the religious institution we were representing. I had no idea what this meant. Recently my friend Jo and I found some astounding pajamas in the Goodwill here at Green Gulch that had flying pigs on them, and were clearly meant to be worn by a pre-pubescent person. We split them, Jo got the top and I got the bottoms; Jo generously decided to let me wear the top for the parade. I thought that it was fun, but not too revealing...it still ended up being far and away the most revealing outfit of the SFZC crew, but the elders didn't say anything to me about it, so I think it was okay.

During the parade we didn't really do anything. It was interesting because we had a huge corporation in front of us (SalesForce) which had a large float with a DJ just blasting music and a couple hundred employees marching behind it making all sorts of hooplah. Then comes SFZC, just walking. It was pretty Zen.

Marchin' and reppin'

I didn't really fully conceptualize how many people were going to actually be watching the parade. There were a lot. Thousands. A lot of them taking photos of us...so there are definitely photos of me floating around out there that I have no idea about. I also didn't really realize how corporate the whole thing is until I was a part of it...but yeah, really, really corporate.

My favorite part of the day was actually the festival after the parade. A huge part of the city (like 10-blocks by 10-blocks...at least I think that's huge, I don't really know if it is or not) was blocked off for the festival, in front of Civic Center. Pretty much every block had some different group with a DJ trying to out-do each other. There was a lot of dancing. There were a lot of topless women and naked guys, letting it all hang out. It was, in many ways, the opposite of Green Gulch--Pride was loud, colorful, over-stimulating, and sexually open, active, and accepting. It was actually quite refreshing to be around (for a little bit). The completely open and embracing energy of the day helped to pull me out of the self-critical vortex I had been slowly falling into for the weeks prior.

Nonetheless, it was nice to return to our quiet valley at the end of the day.

Wildflower berm in the kitchen garden

On Tuesday the Farm and Garden went on a field trip in Sonoma County once more. It was a full, but glorious, day. We started out the trip by touring Occidental Arts & Ecology Center right outside of the tiny, lovely town of Occidental. I became completely enamored with OAEC. I felt like I was falling in love with a person, the way I fell in love with that place. As Hazel Grace says in The Fault in our Stars: "I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once." Every new thing we saw on the tour made me fall in love with the place more. We started out by looking at their absolutely incredible green house, in which they had hundreds of plants from all over the world, including Mate trees and actual Marsh Mallows. We then got to see their seed vault, their glorious barn, and their lovely garden. They also have a Chautauqua theater in which they do a Chautauqua show once a year. They have programs to help save the North American Beaver. They had an initiative to make it so that wherever you were at OAEC, you were amidst beauty. Anyways, it was lovely. I asked, and they have a garden internship that starts in March...

More bubble flowers!

We then went to a food bank that caters to people with HIV/AIDS and other serious illnesses, called Food for Thought, in Forestville. Surrounding this suburban food bank (that was modeled to look like a small grocery store, to make their patrons feel more comfortable with the whole situation and less stigmatized) was a marvelous edible garden, designed and run by the Garden Manager at OAEC who gave us our tour. The garden provides food to the food bank, as well as helps it gain revenue through special events.

After the Food Bank we toured Coyote Family Farm, which is really only a baby farm, only 3 years old. One of the farm managers used to be a farm apprentice at Green Gulch, and he was super happy and excited to show us around. It was really interesting visiting a farm that young--I'm not sure I've ever been to a farm that was less than at least 7 years old, and already pretty established. It was interesting to hear all that they had to struggle through their first couple of years to get it going, including dealing with the fact that their land was really quite rocky. They ended up having to remove so many rocks from their farmland that they just sold baskets of rocks for a while before the could make any money from selling their produce. Now they seem to be doing okay. They have the aim of also being an intentional community, and so they make some money from renting out the houses on the property, as well as renting out their spaces for big events (weddings and such.) They also have an apprenticeship program.

We ended our day with dinner in San Rafael. It was hosted by the Marin Interfaith Chaplaincy, and they provide a discussion and a dinner for the homeless throughout Marin. Green Gulch Farm donates greens to the dinner every week (I'm pretty sure,) and they wanted to give us dinner as a thank you. We arrived just at the end of their discussion, in which they were exploring a poem by Rumi. We then ate dinner and intermingled with the people who usually frequent the meetings and dinners. Needless to say, it was an enlightening evening.

Some glorious fennel growing amongst
the greens at GGF

I ended up mostly talking to 2 individuals named Cindy and Matt. Cindy and Matt were quick and eager to tell any and everyone that they were best friends. Matt was a very friendly fellow who had a strong opinion that Elementary School children should be more exposed/educated to homelessness, as well as implementing a moratorium in the US on allowing couples to have more than 4 kids. Cindy is living in hospice currently; she has lupus, diabetes, and COPD, and told me that 6-months ago her doctors told her she only had 6-months to live. They were both very open and eager to share with me and the others at my table what it was like to live in their shoes. They told me that Cindy's birthday is on July 3rd, and they have a tradition (as of last year) to go to Applebee's and get daiquiris and to share a steak. Cindy told me that she met Matt in the hospice last year, and he gets her to go out and do things. They go to parks, bird sanctuaries, and McDonald's for special treats, when they have the money. Matt has worked for a publisher that makes hundreds of books on Special Education for the past 40 years.

It was interesting to leave that dinner and drive through San Rafael on our way home, passing the many nice restaurants full of people on a Tuesday evening eating nice food and drinking nice wine. There are so many elements to existing in our world. There is so much to learn and to empathize with, so much to experience to extend our capacity for compassion.

I've lately been feeling so, so grateful for being young, healthy, educated, and well-fed.

Prayers on the Tibetan Cherry Tree in the Peace Garden

Book of the Week:

I recently found in our "free book" area of the student lounge a young-adult science fiction called These Broken Stars. I would not say that it's great literature, but it's written just fine, and was a fun read. It's part of a trilogy called The Starbound Trilogy. I haven't really found any reason for the title of either the book or the trilogy, except that they both sure sound like catchy science fiction-y things. The story follows two star-crossed teenagers who get abandoned on a planet after their ship gets mysteriously yanked from hyperspace and subsequently destroyed. There are actually some kind of creepy/intriguing story-lines on the planet, but mostly it's just a teenage love story. It was definitely good entertainment. I gave it to Juniper when I was done with it, and she enjoyed it as well. We're going to try to get the sequel This Shattered World from the library hopefully soon.