I just re-read the post below after my loving mother sent a very comforting and thoughtful message to me after she read it to reassure me how much people love me. During the whole time I wrote, read, and edited that last post it did not appear to me as sad or desperate as it does now after some reflective space away from it.
I am an honest person, and that works really well for me here, at Green Gulch. Every contemplation is taken at face value in my interactions here, which is fantastic. I have been steadily shifting towards this blog becoming, in actuality, a diary, because throughout my time here I have only increasingly explored what it means for me to be emotional, vulnerable, and above all contemplative and mindful about what my emotions and vulnerability mean. Again, this works well for me in conversations here, but I have seemed to have lost my context for what interactions here look like versus my interactions with people outside.
Anyways, yes, I am exploring some insecurities, some deep ones. However, the previous post I fear presented it as though right now I am living once more shrouded in these insecurities, which is not the case. The principal of impermanence is tangible and pervading when living in a space of continued practice of mindfulness...so yes, these insecurities arise. But then they also cease quickly, only to arise again at some other point. I am not living my days full of angst. Overall I am still overwhelmingly content most of the time.
I think that a large part of me wanted to post all of those insecurities right on out in the open, nice and raw, because I was hoping to connect to people with similar insecurities. I feel like there are people who read this who share some of these insecurities and can relate to me better through them. Hopefully then they can also realize that there are other people who share their insecurities, and thus everybody can all feel connected and there will be world peace. All because of my little ole blog. You're welcome.
I guess I'm posting this disclaimer because 1) I don't want anybody to worry about me not being happy and feeling fulfilled, because I am both of those things, 2) I would like to continue to use this space as a release and a way to process all that I'm learning and uncovering, but I need to remind myself to be mindful of who is reading this nonetheless, and 3) I suppose I'm a little embarrassed by how exposed I now am. Nothing is permanent, so while that post seemed like a thoughtful and balanced one yesterday, it now seems more like TMI for the general Internet world. It's probably both.
Anyways, I guess none of this matters very much anyways. I was just called on to comment on myself here...maybe try to save face a little? Maybe just try to be honest to who I am in this moment as opposed to who I was yesterday and all the days before? It's probably both. Non-dualism.
Also...I just cut my own hair for the first time a week ago and it is looking not super great right now, which is probably inspiring all of these insecurity-related thoughts more than I'd like to admit.
I look like a 12-old-boy with hips. It doesn't help that I wear Star Wars t-shirts most of the time, I know, but there it is.
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