"God speaks to each of us as he makes us,
then walks with us silently out of the night.
These are the words we dimly hear:
You, sent out beyond your recall,
go to the limits of your longing.
Embody me.
Flare up like a flame
and make big shadows I can move in.
Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.
Just keep going. No feeling is final.
Don't let yourself lose me.
Nearby is the country they call life.
You will know it by its seriousness.
Give me your hand."
--Rainer Maria Rilke, Book of Hours, I 59
Flower of the Week:
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| Clarkia. Very lovely visually, yet almost no fragrance! We can't be it all, I suppose. |
Buddhist Lesson of the Week:
Song of the Jewel Mirror Samadhi
Continuing our exploration of the long chants we sing every week, I thought I would now share one that is not necessarily one of my favorites, but nonetheless has some rather interesting and thought-provoking elements to it. It's long, and honestly, it's full of references I don't really know much about at this point. It's also full of rather beautiful imagery, that again, is probably in reference to something I don't really know much about. As far as I can gather, the "Jewel Mirror Samadhi" that's referenced throughout this is the "teaching of thusness," which, as far as I can gather, is the teaching of "fully living in and accepting every moment as it arises" (at least, that is one aspect of thusness). That could be wrong though...don't quote me on that. I'll underline the parts I like the most. Thus:
The teaching of thusness has been intimately communicated
by buddhas and ancestors.
Now you have it,
so keep it well.
Filling a silver bowl with snow,
hiding a heron in the moonlight -
Taken as similar they're not the same;
when you mix them,
you know where they are.
The meaning is not in the words,
yet it responds to the inquiring impulse.
Move and you are trapped;
miss and you fall into doubt and vacillation.
Turning away and touching are both wrong,
for it is like a massive fire.
Just to depict it in literary form
is to stain it with defilement.
It is bright just at midnight,
it doesn't appear at dawn.
It acts as a guide for beings,
its use removes all pains.
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| Hiking through the Manzanitas around Mt. Tam |
it is not without speech.
It is like facing a jewel mirror;
form and image behold each other –
You are not it,
in truth it is you.
Like a babe in the world,
in five aspects complete;
It does not go or come,
nor rise nor stand.
"Baba wawa" –
is there anything said or not?
Ultimately it does not apprehend anything
because its speech is not yet correct.
It is like the six lines of the illumination hexagram:
relative and ultimate interact -
Piled up, they make three,
the complete transformation makes five.
It is like the taste of the five-flavored herb,
like a diamond thunderbolt.
Subtly included within the true,
inquiry and response come up together.
Communing with the source, travel the pathways,
embrace the territory and treasure the road.
Respecting this is fortunate; do not neglect it.
Naturally real yet inconceivable,
it is not within the province of delusion or enlightenment.
With causal conditions, time and season,
quiescently it shines bright.
In its fineness it fits into spacelessness,
in its greatness it is utterly beyond location.
A hairsbreadth's deviation
will fail to accord with the proper attunement.
Now there are sudden and gradual
in which teachings and approaches arise.
Once basic approaches are distinguished,
then there are guiding rules.
But even though the basis is reached and the approach comprehended,
true eternity still flows.
Outwardly still while inwardly moving,
like a tethered colt, a trapped rat -
The ancient sages pitied them
and bestowed upon them the teaching.
According to their delusions,
they called black as white;
When erroneous imaginations cease,
the acquiescent mind realizes itself.
If you want to conform to the ancient way,
please observe the sages of former times.
When about to fulfill the way of buddhahood,
one gazed at a tree for ten eons,
Like a battle-scarred tiger,
like a horse with shanks gone gray.
Because there is the common,
there are jewel pedestals, fine clothing;
Because there is the startlingly different,
there are house cat and cow.
Yi with his archer's skill
could hit a target at a hundred paces.
But when arrow-points meet head on,
what has this to do with the power of skill?
When the wooden man begins to sing,
the stone woman gets up dancing;
It’s not within reach of feeling or discrimination –
how could it admit of consideration in thought?
Ministers serve their lords,
children obey their parents;
Not obeying is not filial
and not serving is no help.
Practice secretly, working within,
like a fool, like an idiot.
Just to continue in this way
is called the host within the host.
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| Our group at the end of our circumambulation of Mt. Tam in early April. This was taken in Muir Woods. |
I think my actual favorite part of this while we're chanting it is: "Because there is the common, there are jewel pedestals, fine clothing; Because there is the startlingly different, there are house cat and cow." I take it to mean that you can't recognize something lovely a lot of the time without the contrast, but oftentimes, the contrast is just as lovely. Or something like that. Maybe I just like the image of a house cat and cow hanging out together next to something "startlingly different," with both of them being impervious to it, acting as proper juxtaposing forces (and in my mind the house cat is often cleaning itself while the cow stares questioningly at me watching it...at least as far as a cow can question.)
Life at the Center:
First off, I'd like to say "HELLO!" to my curiously consistent and growing reader-base in France and Russia. I have no idea why so many people from France and Russia are reading this, but I think it's awesome. Although, I suppose I don't actually know that all of the views of this blog are coming from multiple people in France and Russia respectively; it could just be that there's one person from each country who reads this blog many times each week for some reason, in which case, "HELLO!" to the 2 of you.
Also, hello Mom, Dad, and Will! (It's my dad's birthday today, too. So, Happy Birthday Dad!)
Also, hello Steven! Although, I get to say "hello" to you many times a day, everyday, anyways.
I don't really know who else actually reads this blog consistently, but "hello" to all or any of you as well!
I want to say that I haven't had time to take photos this week, but luckily, Qayyum just shared with all of us photos from our circumambulation of Mt. Tam in early April (which you can read all about here!) Those are going to be the photos featured on today's blog. Qayyum gave me permission to post these on here. My first impression of the photos was that we all look so different now, almost 3 months later. To start, I've lost some weight (yeahhhhh) and don't have red hair. Some of the boys have shorter hair, and most of them have longer beards. Look at how cute and innocent we were!
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| Isabelle, Qayyum, Nick, Myoho, Reed, me, Juniper, Dominic, Steven, Jack, and Clark in front of Nick's sweet van at the beginning of the hike |
I just got out of a truly fantastic dharma talk given by Edward Brown, who doesn't live here anymore, but did for many years. He often hosts one-day sits (not the ones we do, but ones that other people who don't live here do). He was great. Of course, the entire time he was giving the talk, I was thinking, "this is so important, I am going to remember everything he is saying right now so I can put it into my blog as soon as I leave here!" which I think actually did help me pay really close attention to what he was saying when he was saying it, but as things like this tend to go, I can't really remember everything he talked about as much as I wish I could.
Essentially, he was talking primarily about how important it is to live through being your true self. Now, as most people should now hopefully know, Buddhists don't believe that there is a continuous self (i.e. no soul, nothing that could be easily quantified as a consistent entity that is separate from anything and everything around it.) Ed was entirely aware of this, of course, when he was saying we should live as our true selves. He was talking about being honest and true in expressing and acting in our lives as our genuine components of who we are in each moment.
Although, on the ultimate scale, there is no continuous self in Buddhism, it is still widely acknowledged that it would be delusional to state that, practically, there is no self as well. We can all look around and see that there are separate things, separate beings. I am not my neighbor or my dog or my friend (practically). I have my own "karmic" path...my own unique history and series of events that culminated in my particular life at this moment, as does everyone and everything else. Of course, throughout that entire history and path every event only happened because of everything else, but nonetheless, that history and path is manifest. So how do I, Catherine Masters, with my own history and path, truly express the culmination of all that was and is that led to who I am in this moment?
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| Serpentine Point. There is, in fact, a lot of Serpentine here (the whole ground is covered in it). This is also where the "driver's seat" of Marin is (that large group of rocks in the middle). |
He told a story of when he was living at Tassajara in the 60s and he kept trying to make biscuits, but they weren't coming out quite right. He kept trying new recipes, alternating water for milk, Crisco for butter, etc. trying to make his biscuits come out right. Upon his fifth attempt or so, he stopped and asked, "these biscuits aren't "right...compared to what?" He was basing his biscuits on the biscuits he grew up with (Bisquick and Pillsbury), and the ones he was baking at Tassajara did not taste like Bisquick or Pillsbury. So, he tasted the biscuits again, without expecting them to taste as they did when he was a child....and, they were delicious, of course. They were delicious on their own accord, although they were not what he was used to or expecting.
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| Reed driving Marin on Serpentine Point |
I was thinking about some conversations I've had with people here, and elsewhere, and with myself, about when we do something reactive or unwholesome in someway, and we have the thought somewhere in the back of our minds, either during or after the fact, "This isn't me". So many of us know that our true selves, who we are truly, is someone who is good. Every time we do something that we don't feel is "good", we often excuse it, on some level, as having only happened because of external causes. I don't think this is illegitimate: I only shouted at that person because I was having a bad day; really, I am a good person who wants to be calm and quiet and compassionate. I only stole this gum from the supermarket because I am poor and don't think that a large corporation would really need the money for this purchase more than I need this gum right now; really I am a good person who cares about the environment, about my friends, and social justice. I only became addicted to alcohol because I had a series of traumatic events in my life that are hard for me to cope with, or I have a genetic predisposition to addiction; really, I am a good person, and someone who loves animals and loves Jazz music and is tired of being tired.
To understand that most everybody who does not behave as the Collective We thinks they should actually really wants to do the right thing--but due to their own Karmic paths, sometimes finds it hard to--that is a fundamental basis for compassion.
To understand that most everybody who does not behave as the Collective We thinks they should actually really wants to do the right thing--but due to their own Karmic paths, sometimes finds it hard to--that is a fundamental basis for compassion.
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| Clark driving Marin on Serpentine Point. |
We all have an idea of who we should be. This idea is the result of many different influences; I definitely have an idea of who I should be, which is a result of my parents, my schools, my teachers, my brother, my friends throughout all of the different stages of my life, books, movies, music, poetry, movies, TV, politicians, activists, and many, many more sources. How often do I become upset because I feel that I am not that ideal person? How often do I not truly taste the biscuits I bake?
It is not bad to have goals or ambitions. It is not a bad thing to strive. Life, however, becomes increasingly more difficult and conducive to suffering if we become attached to the potential of such goals and ambitions, and in doing so, miss out on what is happening to us right now, miss out on the potential of the current moment.
This is something that I am not very good at remembering.
This is something that I am not very good at remembering.
I have conveniently provided for myself in this moment a nice segue into discussing my dokusan with Reb Anderson. I was able to see him and speak to him on Thursday morning. It started out with him gently suggesting to me that I was doing my full-prostrations wrong (dokusan starts out with a standing bow to Reb's altar, then three full-prostrations to Reb.) We then sat in silence for a few moments while I collected my thoughts, and I then proceeded to launch into some of my struggles. The first thing I said was, "I've been struggling with feelings of being guilty for my privilege," to which he replied, "well...you are guilty of being privileged." I then started explaining to him a lot of my qualms about living here, practicing here, vowing to save all beings, and yet consciously making no actual effort to effectively, presently, end the suffering of beings. That I wouldn't even know where to start, really, considering my privileged background and the overwhelming amount of suffering that exists in the world (and most of what I talked about in my last post.)
What followed was essentially a personal dharma talk delivered to me, catered to my struggles. I meant to ask him more questions, but ultimately found it unnecessary, for the most part. He talked for a long time, around a half an hour, and throughout his very thorough and thought-provoking address, he happenstantially (or perhaps with great intent) answered my unasked questions.
It is hard for me to fully recount, of course, all that he said to me. I feel that perhaps the most important take away I garnered from it was his suggestion to not worry about seeking out ways to help. Everywhere I am, there is help needed. Everywhere anyone is, there is help needed. Yes, the help that is needed around Green Gulch is probably not as overwhelming as the many people who need help with systemic racism or homophobia, or any such thing, but suffering is relative. I should not ignore the suffering of those around me because I am distracted by what I think I should be doing, of who I could be helping.
He assured me that the more that I effectively help people, the more people will come to me for help. It's funny, because when I say it, it seems like that would be something to complain about. Like "Gawd, I don't have anytime to do what I want because I keep assisting in the cessation of suffering, uggghhhh." Of course, Reb presented it completely unironically and earnestly--subtext, "you made a vow to end the suffering of all beings. You are coming to me now because you are concerned you are not helping enough. You should want this, to be asked by many people to be of help." I think that is correct.
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| Dominic driving Marin on Serpentine Point. |
He told me to not worry about seeking out ways to help, and instead, just wait for invitations to help. He seemed to be sure that such invitations would manifest. I also don't think such invitations are literal--rather, I just need to make sure to live my life with awareness and mindfulness, and although an explicit invitation to help may not manifest, there are surely many (perhaps quieter) implicit invitations. There also might be explicit ones.
He told me that he himself seldom knows how he could best help. He just does what he can when it's apparent for him to do so.
I also asked him what he thought about the demographic of SFZC primarily consisting of privileged white people. He expressed that he wished that it was more diverse, but he himself seemed a little unsure of how to actually best bring about that change. This conversation was more detailed, and also full of interesting insight, but essentially, it's still a systemic issue, and Reb addressed that. He said that, typically, it is people of certain backgrounds and circumstances who can relate to the teachings of Zen and have access to its temples and teachers, and with how our country is organized right now, there are a lot of people, systemically, who do not have access to the means that would perhaps lead them to identifying with this rather technical and abstract religion from Japan. Although, Reb also said he used to host inner-city sits, and people would regularly attend those. He said that's something he hopes to be able to do again in the future.
So, I guess, if nothing else, it was good for me to know that he thinks about these things, even if it is a little bit disappointing that nobody seems to actually know how to address the problem of racism in our country, even within institutions such as ours.
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| Nick driving Marin. |
I feel uncomfortable because there is a large group of people, all dressed in black, in a dark room, bowing to a statue. I feel uncomfortable because there is an authority figure telling us what to say and do, and everybody does it unconditionally, automatically. Honestly, I also feel uncomfortable because it is so obviously religious, and I am not religious. I can not escape my analysis of my actions. I cannot escape needing a reason to do what I am doing. I like having purpose to my actions and speech. I like living with intention. Which religion can definitely provide to some people, and in man ways, Buddhism has done that for me...but with it's philosophies, and with the sitting...
I don't know, it's probably good for me to release my ego and just do what I'm told every once in a while (?)
I don't know, it's probably good for me to release my ego and just do what I'm told every once in a while (?)
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| Isabelle in a tree at our lunch spot. |
I accept that, to many people, that ceremony serves as an important reminder of the precepts and of what they are here to practice. I am patient with myself in my discomfort of the situation while simultaneously being patient with the service itself. I respect this temple and the teachers here; I respect this institution, because despite (or maybe, in some cases, because of) the highly ritualized traditions that have manifested from the initial teachings of simplicity and the middle way, this is an institution that encourages people to be compassionate, thoughtful, and respectful.
I have not been as grateful for this place lately as I was when I first got here, and that is something that I need to return to. Throughout the Full Moon Ceremony, I legitimized my presence and participation in that service, despite my egregious discomfort, with the thought that it was part of my "rent" for living here. They feed me three excellent meals every day, and give me somewhere to live, give me a community and classes and ready access to wise people like Reb. In exchange, I work for 30 hours a week in their beautiful garden, and practice as they have proscribed.
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| Jack in a tree at our lunch spot. |
Besides, I have noticed a real amount of growth in myself during my time here. I am physically stronger and healthier. I am more relaxed, less anxious. I am more patient, less eager, am less reactive--and all of this after being here for only 3.5 months. So, obviously, all of this has some sort of tangible capacity to actually inspire positive change in people. I can see wisdom manifest here, in the teachers around here, in my peers, in myself.
When I first really started struggling with SFZC's apparent lack of ambition to actually work towards the end of suffering in the world, I talked to my parents about it. My dad told me that religious institutions have always been a place of refuge, a place for people to escape to, to cope with the suffering in themselves and in the world. It was a place for people to gain composure, to gain insight, to gain a better understanding of compassion, so that they can then go back into the world and better soothe those who suffer. That is their purpose, that is how they end suffering. I simultaneously realize the truth of that (again, that is readily apparent as true to me,) while feeling like there's potential for more. Shouldn't the priests here, people who have been culminating wisdom, empathy, compassion, and understanding for a long time, be out there in the world? Wouldn't such people be the perfect people to effectually work towards the end of suffering? Some of them definitely do go out and take initiative to effectively and immediately end suffering--but some do not, or they only do it inconsistently. Surely there is something more that they can do than just inspire others to make the change that the world needs?
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| Me hanging out at our lunch spot! :) |
But that, right there, is idealism at its finest.
I don't know, I've eaten a lot of sugar today and drank SO much green tea, so my thoughts are fast and erratic. I am not as collected now as would be ideal. But I'm also not uncollected, necessarily.
There's a lot to be aware of, and a lot to process. Maybe I shouldn't even really attempt to grasp it all. Probably. It's distracting, right?
But what if this is my true self? Is it my true self, to be so analytical, or is that a delusion?
I CAN'T STOP.
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| Hiking out of our lunch spot. |
How often do you realize you are alive, now, after you first discovered the fact?
The day is beautiful and I am inside on my computer. But, I suppose, the day is still beautiful nonetheless.
But I'll try to stop, right now.
Book of the Week:
I have been reading Buddhist Biology by David Barash for the past few weeks. I haven't had a lot of time to read, so it's been kind of a stop and go process. Dr. Barash is a biologist, a buddhist practitioner, and an atheist, so you can imagine that I agree with a lot of the ideas that he presents in the book. He explores how the core dogmas of Buddhism (no-self/emptiness, impermanence, and interconnectedness/dependent co-arising) are supported by most modern understandings in Biology. I've actually touched on some of the ideas he presents in his book in this blog, which I think is prettttty neat. You'll have to excuse the introduction to the book, or at least I found it necessary to do so, because he spends a long time asserting just how Atheist he is and how much of a scientist he is, and how he doesn't believe in anything superstitious or supernatural, etc. etc. I agree with most of all that he said, but I also feel he does it a little indelicately; however, it might be necessary in order to weed out the people who want to see supernatural elements legitimized by science.Songs of the Week:
These are, admittedly, the only songs I really know by the band Built to Spill; however, I was listening to them the other day and I thought that both of them have some ideas pertinent to what I've been suggesting/grappling with here. The first one, "Goin' Against Your Mind", has one of my most favorite song lyrics in it--it's something I feel wonderfully describes me in many ways. I'll underline which one it is below.
Built to Spill--"Goin' Against Your Mind"
People think we don't understand
What it takes to wanna be a man
I don't care much for that
I don't know why
Just a fight or just a waste of time
Hiding things that no one wants to find
I don't know much of that
I don't care why
Goin' against your mind, goin' against your mind
When I was a kid I saw a light
Floating high above the trees one night
Thought it was an alien
Turned out to be just God
If you're not sure who not to believe
Who has better reasons to deceive?
They're really good at that
That's all they do
Goin' against your mind, goin' against your mind
And we won't share
No, we won't share
Built to Spill--"When Not Being Stupid is Not Enough"
When not being stupid
is not enough
When not being wrong
is not enough
Waited such a long time
Have I waited too long?
In a world that's so bad,
It's not hard to feel good-
You do what you have to,
Not as much as you could.
Just because you're not wrong,
Doesn't mean that you're right.
When not being stupid
is not enough
When not being evil
is not enough
You look all around you,
Never look up at the stars
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