The Moment of 65 Ksanas

"And I realize now that the tumultuous life of a human being is no more than a passing flash of light against the timelessness of nature."
--Geyang, translated by Herbert J. Batt, in An Old Nun Tells Her Story

Flower of the Week:

Rudebeckia, or Cone Flowers, or Black-Eyed Susans

Buddhist Lesson of the Week:

The Moment of 65 Ksanas

Okay, this isn't really a list…but I think that's okay.  This is an element of Buddhism that is intriguing to me, and one that I was introduced to here but that seems like an understanding I've had for a long time. It also relates to an idea that Reb has really been peddling super persistently in his talks this past week (which is the "pivotal activity of the Buddhas", which I'll definitely touch on later). 

The sedum is finally starting to bloom!

A ksana is a moment that is quicker than a second. It is said that there are 65 ksanas in the time it takes a person to snap their fingers. In every single ksana, all of the five aggregates arise (i.e. the collection of delusions that give us a connection to our practical and tangible existence, that we cling to as our existence, and in so doing separate ourselves from the ultimate truth of dependent co-arising…I should definitely do a Buddhist Lesson of the Five Aggregates, maybe next week). 

Another way of looking at a ksana is that it is the time it takes for all of the elements of the world who aren't you to come together to form you, only to fall away again, to come together again in the next ksana. It is like a snapshot, a still frame; when you string all of the frames together, you get the running movie that is your life as you perceive it. No normal person can perceive the ksanas--that is something realized by those who are enlightened, by the big "B" Buddhas. 

The ksanas help explain the Buddhist understanding of there being no continuous self. In every moment, in every ksana, there is a person who arises, manifest from all of the elements and beings in the world that are not it…and then it immediately dissolves and fades away, to be replaced by another self in the next ksana. 

There is an understanding that one of the aims of zazen and of practice is to get to a point where we can recognize the story that is created for us, moment by moment, and to watch it and fully realize it.

So, according to Buddhists, not only is there potential for you to re-create and re-invent yourself, quite literally, every second of your life---there is that potential in every 1/65 of a second.

Dahlias! I call these ones "firework dahlias" in my head.

I've heard that there's something in psychology that adds credence to this Buddhist understanding, but I honestly forget the details of what was explained to me. Something like it takes roughly 1/50th of a second for our brains to process a thought or something like that. Anyways, ksanas could be looked at through the lens of neuroscience and psychology, of firing synapses and nervous relays and all of that...that every partial moment we need to re-process our environment, and on some sub-conscious level this is done for us by the operations of our brain; in other words, our minds need to re-create our reality continuously for us, without our ready observation and understanding of it.

I'll touch on how this is relevant to the "pivotal activity of the Buddhas" more below.

Life at the Center:

I just want to say quickly that the quote at the head of this post is one of my favorite things, and has been since I read An Old Nun Tells Her Story for my Tibetan Buddhism class my Junior year of college.

So this past week has been a weird one, to say the least (weirder than normal, that is). Before I get into that too much, I want to talk about something that I've been meaning to bring up for the past 4 blog posts or so…which is that our sister temple Tassajara has been snuggled in nice and close to a huge, massive, extreme forest fire.  As such, a handful of Tassajaran refugees have been staying here at Green Gulch for the past month or so. It was announced sometime last week that the fire is 80% contained now, but the 20% that isn't contained is still heading in Tassajara's direction. There was a handful of residents of Tassajara who have been trained as fire fighters who stayed behind and braved the smoke and the flames to try to save Tassajara should the fire encroach too far. Despite the fact that the fire is still heading towards Tassajara, the people who live there were given the option to return, which I don't quite understand. Most of them did, although a few of them stayed behind to attend sesshin this past week. Which brings me to why this week was so weird…

Juniper, me, and Claudia in front of
our flower cart, prepping for altar
arrangements

SO, it's been sesshin here for the past 5 days. "What the heck is sesshin?", I'm sure most of you are asking, "She always throws down these terms and expects me to know what they are!" That's a fair point, and I'm sorry for it. I'll explain sesshin though, right now. Sesshin is a week (or as is the case right now, 5 days) of all-day sits. Now, some of you who read this blog regularly know what an all-day sit is, and that I've partaken in a couple already (my first post on them can be found here). The daily sitting schedule of a sesshin is not dissimilar from the schedule of the regular all-day sits, except that there's another 2 periods of sitting in the evening, and dinner is eaten in the zendo as well. So, essentially, the daily schedule of a sesshin consists of starting zazen at the normal time (5 am), then staying in the zendo, more or less, until 9 pm. All three meals are eaten in the zendo in oryoki style (a highly ritualized manner of eating, like a Japanese or Zen tea ceremony). There was a dharma talk given every day by Reb Anderson (who is the official leader of this sesshin). There are also hour-long breaks after every meal, and plenty of kinhin (walking meditation) sprinkled in as well, during which you can leave to go to the bathroom, if you need to. 

Participants of the sesshin are not supposed to talk, read, or write for the duration of the sesshin.

There was something like 36 outside people who came to participate in the sesshin, along with about 10 or so residents who participated for the entire duration. Most of the rest of the community participated for at least one of the days (I sat on Thursday). 

Dahlias!

In order to make it easier for the participants of sesshin, who are in a rather fragile state by the end of it (and really, throughout the whole thing), the people who live here who were not participating in sesshin were expected to be as quiet as we could be. That meant that mealtimes, which are usually the only time available to us to freely mingle, became times of eating together quietly (or, most often, by ourselves quietly). If conversations did occur, they were done in a hushed and semi-frantic manner, like kids talking in the back of the classroom, trying not to get caught by the teacher. Any laughter at all brought many stares in your direction (some starers seemed bemused and border-line relieved to see an expression of spontaneous joy, some seemed annoyed and ruffled). 

Marie harvesting rose geranium in the orchard. Photo by
Claudia

Wednesday was the first full day of sesshin, and it started out on a rather interesting and pleasant note for me. All of the crews have "crew meetings" every other week, and one of the components of crew meetings is to do "check-ins", where we all share what's happening to us with our practice, as well as our physical, emotional, and psychological selves. In the garden, Claudia asked all of us to do a class during a crew meeting as well. I did a history of flower arranging, Rebecca did a class on flower longevity in arrangements, Juniper did a class on resources for herbal medicine, and this past Wednesday was Marie's turn. She chose to do a class on encouraging and supporting interconnectedness in a community. She brought forth a few exercises for us to bond with both our own selves and each other. I found them all to be very impactful, and we ended up spending the entire first half of the day in the crew meeting, bonding (interrupted part way through with a Reb dharma talk). 

Dahlia! I think of these ones as "fire dahlias"

The first activity really struck me, and I think it also really struck most everybody else there, a lot. It was a guided meditation that Marie led us through. I'll try to describe it as best as I can, but obviously some of the impact will be lost in relating it in this manner (especially because I can't remember all of the moving and beautiful language Marie used to evoke in us our response). It started out with us closing our eyes, and imagining us standing in our home. Home could be whatever felt right, truly; it could be our childhood home, it could be Green Gulch, it could be a made-up place that felt right. Then, once we comfortably pictured ourselves at home, we saw an older version of ourselves, older by a couple decades or so, coming toward us. We pictured her as clearly as we could--what her hair was like, what clothes she was wearing, how she held herself, how she looked at us when she approached. She came and stood right in front of us, as we exist now, and we told her about something that's happening currently that we needed her advice on. Something, anything, that's really bothering us, that we're entirely unsure how to proceed with--and then we listened to her response, and there was always a response (at least there was for everyone there). She then held us for a minute, and then left.

Me harvesting ornamental oregano. Photo by Claudia.

I won't tell now what I asked her about, but I feel alright sharing her answer, spontaneously coming forth from my own mind to answer my own question: Just keep loving everybody as deeply as you can.

I was struck by several things in this exercise, not all of which I want to share on here necessarily…but I definitely think it was a useful exercise, and gave some really interest insight into myself.

The other exercises were more familiar to me. They just involved us giving one appreciation to the person to our left (I got Miss Rebecca, so that was an easy one for me! I just think she's so wonderful in so many ways…but I had to just pick one, which was sort of hard). Then we did very quick check-ins (we were limited to three minutes), and the person to our left "looped" our check-in back to us, relating back to us what we said and what our emotional intent and expression was behind our stories. All in all, it was, I think, quite the excellent way to start out this period of enhanced quiet.

Wild jungle of dahlias!

I'll admit that I only went to 2 of the 5 dharma talks that Reb gave this week (there's actually one happening exactly right now, as I write this, it's probably literally starting this very second). I really enjoyed the talks I went to, but he kind of just keeps saying the same thing over and over again, in kind of different wording--which I am positive he is entirely aware of and is doing with great intent. Anyways, I feel like I get it for the time being, especially considering I'll be getting more and more of it during Practice Period anyways (Reb is also leading the Practice Period, so it will be another 2 months of his lectures, and I'm just not concerned about missing 3 right now, knowing what's coming up in my future). The sesshin, and Reb's talks, and really Reb's whole teaching philosophy right now is based on this poem, written by a Chinese Buddhist monk something like 1000 years ago, that starts out with lines saying something along the lines of "The pivotal activity of Buddhas, the essential activity of ancestors".

Juniper with one of her bouquets to be sold
at Ferry Plaza Market. Photo by Claudia

Reb loves LOVES the word "pivot"; if you were to analyze a transcription of his talks, I would not be surprised to find out that the word "pivot" or "pivotal" would constitute 80% of it. In the duration of one of his talks, he repeats himself a lot; but this is also done with great intent, I believe. It is necessary for him to repeat himself because oftentimes it is hard to understand the concept he is trying to teach--so he says the teaching a myriad of ways until one of them sticks. That means that for most of his lectures most everyone is sitting there with a furrowed brow, trying to conceptualize his lesson, until there's one brief moment of clarity, immediately shrouded once more in esoteric and emphatic speech. 

I can only share what I gather to be what he is talking about. The "pivotal activity of the Buddhas" is the activity of something becoming so entirely what it is that it is no longer it, it becomes its negation. I know, I know, that's not very clear either. I'll try to explain. So, a Buddha becomes a Buddha (which is a realized being, or a being that is no longer living in the realm of practical existence, but a being living in the realm of the ultimate) when he "pivots". So, say, I would become a Buddha if I became completely, truly, and honestly me, thus truly and honestly aware of my ultimate reality. The ultimate reality is that I am nothing but the culmination of everything I'm not--I only exist because everything that is not me exists as it does in this present moment (and all of the moments that led to this one). I am only the culmination of the myriad elements entering and exiting my body, the interactions of myself with others, the interactions of others with others, as well as the interactions of of all the elements and beings in the past, leading to me now. I am only here because I am supported through the lives and existence of everything that went into my existence. If this is hard to understand, I think Thich Naht Hanhs gives a clear example:

"If we look into this sheet of paper even more deeply, we can see the sunshine in it. If the sunshine is not there, the forest cannot grow. In fact nothing can grow. Even we cannot grow without sunshine. And so, we know that the sunshine is also in this sheet of paper. The paper and the sunshine inter-are. And if we continue to look we can see the logger who cut the tree and brought it to the mill to be transformed into paper. And we see the wheat. We know that the logger cannot exist without his daily bread, and therefore the wheat that became his bread is also in this sheet of paper. And the logger's father and mother are in it too. When we look in this way we see that without all of these things, this sheet of paper cannot exist."

Me and Juniper with bouquets we made to sell at Ferry Plaza.
Photo by Claudia

So, once I truly realize that I am me, I realize that I am not me, not at all. I am everything else, just as that sheet of paper is not the sheet of paper, it is the sunshine, the logger, the wheat, the logger's parents, etc. This part of "pivoting" reminds me of the ksanas--it is the realization that not only does my "self" change 65 times every moment, the "self" that arises in each of those 1/65ths of  a moment is only the culmination of all of the elements of the universe coming together to create the me that is manifest in that moment: My own personal history, my surroundings, the beings around me, their personal histories, their surroundings, the beings surrounding them, their personal histories, their surroundings, and so on, ad infinitum, until the entire universe is included.

That realization is "pivoting" from "me" (which is a practical, but incomplete view of everything) to "not me" (the ultimate realization of non-self, of the dependent co-arising of the universe). 

"White" corner of the herb circle. Photo by Claudia.

This can be practiced in our narrow, non-Buddha lives as well (of course, we're all buddhas, but we're not all Buddhas). When we encounter a moment of anger, or frustration, or sadness, or most pertinent to me, anxiety, we can so fully become that thing that we then become it's negation. So, if I'm feeling anxious, I can practice so fully being anxious that I realize that the anxiety is not actually a contained feeling or entity or existence at all--it is only the culmination of everything else---and then that anxiety is released. It is no longer a part of me. It is no longer me. It is no longer even itself. It is just one of everything just as everything is one of it. 

This, of course, is good to practice with positive feelings as well--happiness, joy, love, gratitude, etc. We should so entirely feel and be joy and gratitude that we no longer hold onto it as our own. It is then"pivoted" to, again, the ultimate realization of dependent co-arising, and those positive feelings are no longer something that is threatening to inspire covetous or clinging desires (not wanting to be apart from that good feeling)…it instead becomes a part of everything. That joy and gratitude is released back into the entirety of everything that led to its origination.

Upper beds and orchard, as seen from up-high.
Photo by Claudia.

This is all very philosophical and is hard to actually practice with. I guess that's why we sit…to have a space and place where we're not doing anything except just being, and in that framework we can begin to practice our own "pivoting". 

I think that's enough on that for now. The word "pivot" is beginning to give me a bit of a nervous tic, which I think Reb would delight in (he is the perfect image of an enigmatic Buddhist teacher who knows he is being ridiculously esoteric and is completely smitten with everybody trying to keep up with him). 

The quietude that comes from sesshin has lent itself to some interesting observations, I think. Such as the sound of my own footsteps in a familiar place, or the way my tongue moves when I chew my food, or trying to capture the moment of decision when some (conscious?) part of my brain decides where on the apple I'm going to bite into next. There is so much to realize in every moment, it is just ridiculous.

Book of the Week:

I am still working my way through The Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet, which is very, very good. Honestly, this is some of the best science fiction I've come across in a long time. It introduces many new, compelling ideas through its characters, which isn't something I see very much of anymore. Also, it has a wonderfully anthropologic focus on the crew and of the species that constitute the book, and is absolutely so, so refreshingly and genuinely feminist, in the true sense of the word. It has great moments of beautiful, bizarre, tragedy, as well as tense moments of surreal action and chaos. I've also fallen in love with all of the characters, and all of their backstories and development. Furthermore, it is wonderfully dusted with poignant insights into life and humanity. Anyways, this is a high, high recommendation from me--not just if you like science fiction, but just in general. I think people should read this book. But, as this was the book for last week, I will choose a different book for this week. Which is...

All Summer in a Day by Ray Bradbury

I've also been thinking of another science fiction piece this week--a short story by Ray Bradbury that I last read when I was 12, but has stuck with me all of these years. It's a story about Margot, a girl born on Earth but who lives on Venus. Venus only gets to see the sun for two hours every seven years, as it is perpetually covered in rainstorms...and for a girl born on Earth, Margot sure misses the sun. I am relating, very much, to Margot right now. 

Anyways, the story is rather sad, as on the one day that the sun appears on Venus, Margot's classmates shove her in a closet, so that she misses it.

It's sure good at invoking empathy and compassion for poor Margot. 

Songs of the Week:

I've been thinking of doing this one as the featured music of the week for a while now, and this week seems like the right time to do it. It's the entirety of the Grizzly Bear album "Shields". I recommend listening to this album all in one go, with the songs in the order that the band orchestrated them to be in on the album. If you do, it's like one long, resonant song. I listened to it once hiking through the hills around the gulch, with the fog swirling and soaring past me like a softly persistent river, and it was an ethereal experience. I suggest listening to this while you're alone, and you have some time to immerse yourself in the feelings of the songs a bit…so a long hike or a long drive or walk or something. 

You can find the album on this link: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL_P9Ep_F05I-IV1zeoxNr9Lz6xsepRjZY

It's also on Spotify and other such places too, of course.

The Six Paramitas

"Perhaps the great error is believing we’re alone,
That the others have come and gone—a momentary blip—
When all along, space might be choc-full of traffic,
Bursting at the seams with energy we neither feel
Nor see, flush against us, living, dying, deciding,
Setting solid feet down on planets everywhere,
Bowing to the great stars that command, pitching stones
At whatever are their moons. They live wondering
If they are the only ones, knowing only the wish to know,
And the great black distance they—we—flicker in.

Maybe the dead know, their eyes widening at last,
Seeing the high beams of a million galaxies flick on
At twilight. Hearing the engines flare, the horns
Not letting up, the frenzy of being. I want to be
One notch below bedlam, like a radio without a dial.
Wide open, so everything floods in at once.
And sealed tight, so nothing escapes. Not even time,
Which should curl in on itself and loop around like smoke.
So that I might be sitting now beside my father
As he raises a lit match to the bowl of his pipe
For the first time in the winter of 1959."
--Tracy K. Smith, "3" in My God, It's Full of Stars

Flower of the Week:

Ornamental amaranth. So delightfully absurd!

Buddhist Lesson of the Week:

The Six Paramitas

Returning to the infinite lists within the Buddhist canon, we're going to take a look at the Six Paramitas (or Perfections). Just as with most all of the other lists, the Paramitas are meant to be reminders for how Bodhisattvas conduct themselves in all of their aware moments. To follow the Paramitas is to be a true, honest, and compassionate person filled with purpose. As with the other lists, they are tough to remember all of the time, but are good reminders when you happen upon them. They are:

1. Dana Paramita: The Perfection of Generosity
2. Sila Paramita: The Perfection of Virtue
3. Ksanti Paramita: The Perfection of Patience
4. Virya Paramita: The Perfection of Energy
5. Dhyana Paramita: The Perfection of Concentration
6. Prajna Paramita: The Perfection of Wisdom

You need one of the Paramitas in order to fully practice the others; you cannot be fully generous without virtue, patience, energy, concentration, and wisdom. You cannot be virtuous without generosity, patience, energy, concentration, and wisdom, and so on. They are as dependently co-arisen as anything else.

Life at the Center:

So….I'm going to be honest here, this past week has not been a super great one. This is not due to anything external, any people or events--it is entirely because of the suffering that my mind decides to create for itself sometimes. In other, more simple words, I have been feeling really pretty anxious this past week, worse so then it has been for all of my time here thus far. People here have been asking me what triggered it, and honestly, I'm not entirely sure. I think it's somewhat of a cocktail of physical exhaustion, a resurgence of insecurities, stress about taking the GRE next weekend, and living in a valley that's perpetually dark, cloudy/foggy, and cold. Just as I struggled with the lack of any sense of seasonality in Hawaii, especially during the month of perpetual rain (which you can read about here, in my blog from my time in Hawaii, if you're so inclined), I am struggling with it here. My mood and general state and health of mind has a rather intimate connection with the weather. I need sun and warmth, plain and simple, in at least a semi-regular dose, to feel complete and healthy. 

As far as the physical exhaustion goes, I think that this part surprises some people who do not live here, who often have a certain image of what life here is like. I think that in our culture the word "Zen" has become almost entirely detached from the religion and is instead associated with images of spas, massages, meditating in a clean, white, well-lit room, and soaking in hot tubs. I'll let you know right now that absolutely none of those things are what is happening here. First, massages are scant and almost treated like an impolite misdeed, something to be done only occasionally and without the knowledge of anybody of importance (especially massages given between genders/different sexualities DEAR GOD). Physical contact in general around here is sparse. Also, as those of you who read this blog and who know me well are probably aware, I am not great with having people touching me in the first place (alright, alright, I'm pretty horrible about having people touching me). SO starting with my already intense deficit of physical contact as a foundation, and building upon it a sturdy structure of awkward and sporadic contact from a community of gentle and overly-careful individuals, you've got yourself a well-rounded building of vacuous space aching for our most primal means of connecting to one another.

Flower arrangement that I made for the bath house using
a couple different varieties of dahlias. Look at the size of
that yellow one!

Next, there is no spa or hot tubs here. There is a sauna, which is fine (and necessary, I'm figuring out, considering how little we see the sun and how cold it is here), but it is small. It is lovely, don't get me wrong, but it is neither a spa nor a hot tub. Finally, meditation occurs in a dark room (so, so dark, all of the time) that is likewise pretty cold. Also, although I absolutely adore working in the garden, it is still plenty full of manual labor and other unkindnesses to my body. Plus, I'm awake from 4:15 am to at least 9 pm every day, with near every minute of that waking time scheduled.

At this moment, as is always the case, I am feeling guilty for complaining, which is something worth exploring a little bit, I think. I guess. It is human to feel dissatisfaction, every once in a while, with our circumstances. As my dad always says to me (and which I can attest to considering my studies in Anthropology), humans are innate problem-solvers. It is what we do. If there is no problem for us to solve, no easy outlet for the workings of our immense frontal lobes, then we create problems so that we may solve them. I think that is why, despite my well-fed, well-stimulated, well-meditated, well-loved state of existence currently, I still feel the need to complain. There's probably more to it than that, but that seems a suitable enough summation for now. Anyways, because I am, in all real, practical regards quite healthy and happy, I focus on any problem I might be able to solve.

Part of that problem-solving process is articulating it to other people in a manner that garners their sympathy, empathy, and interest in solving the problem (aka complaining). Part of it is writing it down in a blog so that everybody knows everything going on in my mind, if they want to know it for some reason. Part of it is my mind picking out every nuanced inconvenience or discomfort in my environment and analyzing it to death until my brain starts to believe that it is a real problem to my existence, and thus produces cortisol and serotonin so that I might actually deal with the problem to my existence--as it would for say, being chased by a panther or falling out of a tree. The issue with that is that I don't actually face any challenges to my existence (I know, it's a tough issue, but I bear through it). So, my brain is evolutionarily designed to release these chemicals as a helpful means to keep me alive in response to stressful stimuli, but considering none of my stimuli are actually all that stressful, that means that I am soaking in a soup of stress hormones in my everyday, mundane, peaceful life. So that means that the problems that initiated the whole thing in the first place, as minor as they are, are amplified in my brain space as essential to me living or dying, which my body responds to immediately, of course, as is evolutionarily practical.

In other words, those minor, silly problems of "I'm sure cold a lot of the time", and "I have little free time because I'm so busy meditating and tending to flowers", and "The GRE is essential for me to continue my already ridiculously extensive education, but seems frivolous and is thus a waste of my time," and "This lovingly prepared, free, extensive meal isn't exactly what I want to eat right now because it's not chock-full of chocolate, salt, and fat" become burdens on my existence. So ultimately my anxiety is a silly thing, and I realize that…but practically it is my reality and it is my suffering.

If only realizing the reality of a thing made its fabricated opposite any less true!

I will say, though, that the manner in which my anxiety manifests here is substantially better (whatever that really means) than it has been for the years I've struggled with this prior to moving to Green Gulch. To start, I was not a huge, petulant, rude asshole. I was actually able to converse with people with a measure of grace and decorum. I take that as a victory (I also wrote a piece about what my anxiety felt like for most of my life in my blog from Hawaii, which can be read here, again, if you're curious or so inclined).

Amaranth :)

Another thing is that I was still able to feel love towards myself, including the anxiety. I don't really think I ever had the thought of "anxiety go away, you're not wanted!" It was more just a feeling of "Well, here it is, it's not good, but here it is". I was still able to work most days (Claudia graciously let me take a comp day on Thursday to rest, which I needed, I think). I was able to get out of the yurt and go and eat three meals a day. I was able to go to zazen most every time I was supposed to go (except for Monday morning and the second period of Thursday morning…which included the Full Moon Ceremony, so that actually worked out alright). I was foggy and addled, but I was able to operate, with the knowledge and firm belief that eventually I would feel alright again, as had been the case every time before. Yay impermanence!

I guess I also want to mention, for no other reason other than cathartic release, that I had an incident that I think was also responsible for triggering a fair amount of anxiety in the past week, but that I just sat with and worked through (with only minimal complaining about it to other people, but yeah I did complain a bit, guilty; and will again now, guilty twice-over, but this should hopefully be it). Anyways, after I missed Monday morning zazen somebody suggested to me that if I miss zazen because of my anxiety, I let the anxiety "win". With full awareness that the person who suggested that to me was genuinely doing it out of a kind and loving place, and that my reaction to her suggestion did not stem from the suggestion itself but from a myriad of moments previously in my life that felt connected to that moment for me in some way, I became rather indignant at that suggestion. Luckily, I don't think I really showed it in the moment, but I was stuck on her suggestion for most of the week (and obviously still am a bit). I guess what bothers me about it is reasons threefold: 1) Like that's not an idea I've ever had and felt immense guilt over, that my missing out on obligations and responsibilities due to my anxiety was a defeat on my part to battle my demons with any sort of just and fruitful effort. Just to be clear, it is an idea that I've had. Many times. Many, many times. That "letting my anxiety 'win'" only makes me feel like quite the opposite of a winner, as is suggested; 2) I know many people who have skipped many zazens for no other reason than they slept through them, and none of them have been talked to about their absences, but I miss one and it's brought to my attention that I could be doing better somehow; 3) All of the subsequent anxieties and insecurities the previous reason ignites--that because I'm a good person, people have high expectations of me, and if I don't meet those expectations, they're disappointed in some way. Which, is natural, as I suppose that's how I feel when someone I hold in high esteem is not great. So that's something I need to watch in myself, to further my compassionate potential, and to not live as, you know, a hypocrite or anything. Also, as Reb suggested in our dokusan, the more that you're helpful, the more people will look to you for help, which is something that I do want; I also just want to lay in bed all day so I can process my life every once in a while and have everybody be okay with that. But, I don't know, such is life, I guess.

Anyways, now that all of that negativity is right on out there, bare and brazen in the open, I'd like to spend some time being grateful.

I am grateful for music that makes me feel naked and alive. I am grateful for the moments I spend smelling the roses, and appreciating their structure and grace. I am thankful for the quails always running around making cute, desperate, dithered noises. I am grateful for my family, who always support me and love me unconditionally. I am thankful for my friends from growing up for loving me despite knowing me my entire life, thus knowing all of my imperfections and lesser than great moments. I am grateful for my friends from college for encouraging me to dance and express myself truly, in full support and love. I am grateful for my friends here for listening to me, for teaching me, for making me laugh, and for being so gosh darn cute all of the time. 

I am grateful for the gentle awareness of non-human animals. I am grateful for the gentle awareness of human animals. I am grateful for the distant light of stars, reminding me that I am only alive for a short moment. I am grateful for my weird lumpy bed in the yurt. I am grateful for the food here, always so delicious and whole. I am grateful for good literature. I am grateful for learning the words "paean", "laudatory", and "chicanery" in my studies for the GRE. I am grateful for the clean air I breathe. I am grateful for the Vitamin supplements I take. I am grateful for the travel mugs that the Guest Program graciously donated to everybody in the community, because now I can drink tea in the garden (and all day LONG). I am grateful for poetry that causes a shift in my awareness about my reality and my being.

An arrangement I made for the yoga studio
in Stillwater Hall

I am grateful for the moments during our chants when the breath of everybody in the sangha synchronizes. I am grateful for sudden moments of quiet awareness of my heart beating steadily in my body, pushing my blood and my liveliness through my organs and limbs. I am grateful for the feeling of taking out my contacts and taking off my work boots at the end of the work day. I am grateful for color. I am grateful for spontaneous hugs given because someone is taken with who I am in that moment. I am grateful for feeling immense feelings of love when I look at someone doing something simple, just because it's them doing it, and that makes it lovely. I am grateful for whenever somebody looks at me lovingly. 

I am grateful for the current expected longevity of the human lifespan. I am grateful to be young and healthy. I am grateful to be living in a time where I can do most anything as a woman, and be taken seriously doing it. I am grateful to be intelligent and sentient. I am grateful that I was raised with an awareness of social justice and righteousness. I am grateful to have discovered Star Trek, and all that that has done for my life (including really introducing me to my love science fiction in general). I am grateful that I am so often able to delight in the wonder that being an unabashed nerd encourages.

I am grateful for long, serene floats in cold water. I am grateful for hot showers that momentarily make my shoulders feel at ease. I am grateful for the increased awareness, mindfulness, and compassion that has arisen from my practice. I am grateful for bizarre humor. I am grateful for Claudia as a manager, because she is immensely kind and knowledgeable. I am grateful I was able to see my cousins on Thursday, after so much time not being able to see them or know them.  I am grateful for the respect that everybody shows everything here, but animate and inanimate--for after all, everything that is inanimate now was animate at some point--even the rocks were once astral bodies careening through space, are astral bodies careening through space still, I suppose.

I am grateful for the fullness of a simple love for many people for who they are: the most interesting, complete, awe-inspiring, wonderful works of art I could have ever hoped to encounter.

I am grateful that I have so many things to be grateful about. 

There's more, I know, but I need to go eat lunch and call my brother, who's back from Europe!

This week I interviewed the gentlemanly, courteous, thoughtful, gentle, patient, funny, charismatic Dominic. His interview is below, make sure to check it out and get better acquainted with this delightful human being! :)

Book of the Week:

I just finished The Name of the Wind (which was absolutely fantastic, I can't wait to read the sequels. I definitely suggest it for anybody who likes fantasy.) I just started The Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet by Becky Chambers, which is a book that my mom found for me. It sounds exactly like the sort of story I love: an anthropological look at a multi-specied crew aboard a ship that has the job of creating wormholes for a galactic federation (written by a woman, nonetheless!) I have definitely enjoyed it so far (it has a real Firefly feel to it) and am very much looking forward to reading more of it. I should maybe read more dharma books or something, but there's plenty of time for that during Practice Period, I think. Might as well try to get some of my frivolity out of my system now (although, of course, I don't think consuming well-crafter fiction is frivolous. It's an experience of art and the delightful enigma of human creativity and expression.)

Song of the Week:

"Old Pine" by Ben Howard

This song reminds me of what summer should feel like, and has felt like for most of my life. It's full of life and friendship, and to me, when I listen to it, I appreciate being young. Also, of course, Ben Howard is a cutie. I saw him live and you could not understand a word he said in-between songs because his British accent was so thick...but it was alright, because he was just so gosh darn charming.

Hot sand on toes, cold sand in sleeping bags

I've come to know that memories

Were the best things you ever had

The summer shone beat down on bony backs

So far from home where the ocean stood

Down dust and pine cone tracks

We slept like dogs down by the fire side

Awoke to the fog all around us

The boom of summer time

We stood

Steady as the stars in the woods

So happy-hearted

And the warmth rang true inside these bones

As the old pine fell we sang

Just to bless the morning

Hot sand on toes, cold sand in sleeping bags

I've come to know the friends around you

Are all you'll always have

Smoke in my lungs, or the echoed stone

Careless and young, free as the birds that fly

With weightless souls now

We stood

Steady as the stars in the woods

So happy-hearted

And the warmth rang true inside these bones

We stood

Steady as the stars in the woods

So happy-hearted

And the warmth rang true inside these bones

As the old pine fell we sang

Just to bless the morning

We grow, grow, steady as the morning

We grow, grow, older still

We grow, grow, happy as a new dawn

We grow, grow, older still

We grow, grow, steady as the flowers

We grow, grow, older still

We grow, grow, happy as a new dawn

We grow, grow, older still

Get to Know a Farm/Garden Apprentice: Dominic

Dominic

This week I had the absolute pleasure to interview my absolutely wondrous yurt neighbor Dominic. He was very patient and accommodating to my questions, and answered them very thoughtfully and genuinely. It was lovely to be able to get to know him better and to spend a portion of my afternoon with him (and Miss Jo too, of course).

Catherine: Hello, Dominic

Dominic: Hello

Jo: Hi Donimic!

*everybody chuckles*

*Craig, a guest student, walks by*

C: Oh, hello Craig

Cr: Hi!

*everybody giggles*

C: This is also why I didn't want to do it (the interview) outside, but it's okay

D: Ah, this is fine

C: Yeah, it's fine

D: There's not going to be that many people walking by. I mean, if you look up you don't see anybody, so it doesn't matter

J: Yeah, it's very nice to look up and see branches

C: We're outside, on the pool deck…

D: A somewhat-inspiring location

C: A somewhat-inspiring location?

J: By "pool deck" we mean "not a pool deck" *giggles*

C: Why is this not inspiring?

D: I just prefer to be in my natural habitat, on the farm. But it's okay, this works, this is where I eat all of my meals

C:Yeah?

D: I'm pretty comfortable here too, especially when horizontal

C: Mmmhmm, mmhmm. So, what would you say your job is here?

D: My job…is to…

J: Save all beings

D: That is my vow, to save all beings

J: Hmm

D: My job is to cultivate the soil of Green Gulch Farm.

C: Ok

D: And the job of the people around me is to cultivate me

*everybody giggles*

D: The people who manage the farm, their job is to cultivate farmers and future Bodhisattvas

J: Do you feel cultivated?

D: Ummm…I feel like there have been changes as a person, since coming here

J: Like what?

D: Ummm…I find them hard to pinpoint, but I would say that I'm better at focusing on whatever the task at hand is, or just putting myself into the current situation, and not thinking about things that are just distractions that are not in front of me. And…I think also I'm just more open to what the universe throws at me, and accept it, rather than trying to control outcomes.

C: Why did you decide to come here in the first place?

D: There was a sequence of events that….for about a year I was unsatisfied with what I was doing with my career. And I had been to Green Gulch once after I got back from living in Asia and traveling in South East Asia for a little bit, and I became interested in Buddhism more, after seeing more people that were practicing it, and seeing how their values were different from mine…and I read Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind and found that there was a sitting workshop here that I came and did…and I became more interested in it…I didn't really practice while I was working, and I had a lot of other things going on in my life…

*Reed and Justin, the Maintenance Apprentices, come onto the pool deck with drills*

C: *giggles* Are you guys going to be drilling?

R: Yeah

*Everyone giggles*

R: Are you guys talking to someone?

J: We're recording an interview

*More giggles*

D: We can move though

C: Yeah, we can move

J: No problemo

R: Are you going to edit out the sound of my voice?

C: Uhh, only I'll listen to it, but I am definitely going to include everything you say in it, for sure

D: Is it still recording?

C: It's still recording, yeah, I can't interrupt it. It's great though, I love this.

D:*starts speaking far away from the mic*

C: Wait, I can't hear you though, you need to come closer if you're going to talk

D: Why don't we go to the table over there?

C: Okay

D: The farther one

C: Oh, the far one, yeah that's a good idea. And you guys can lie down again.

J: Isn't this such a good Goodwill find?

D: What?

C: What, the fleece? Oh, yeah!

C: That bench…

*Sounds of Jo and Dominic moving the bench*

D: Shall we resume?

C: Yes!

D: Okay, ummm….yeah so I was just working for the last few years, just kind of grinding away, and I just wasn't feeling satisfied, and I wanted to do more meditation, but I just never found the time in my schedule because I had a lot of other competing priorities, and I couldn't really carve out the time for it…and then when I quit my job in December I started doing some part-time work, and randomly came upon the Green Gulch website one morning. Just looking to see if there were any more workshops like I did a few years ago, and I randomly saw the Farm and Garden Apprenticeship…and I had already started working full-time at that point, again, but this seemed really interesting to me, and just sort of immediately thought that I would like to (do it). I started planning out how I would like to come here to do this, and what I would do over the next few months, leading up to that--and if I would be able to spend six months to actually come and spend time here, because in the past I  needed to immerse myself in something if I was ever going to make it part of my schedule. Doing little bits and pieces at a time never really affects me. So, yeah, then I applied at the exact same time that I found it, and then two weeks later I came here for the guest student stay, met Catherine and lots of new friends!

C: Mmmm yay! *giggles*

D: And was pretty much sold on it, although I pretty much knew that I would do it, but then I went back to the city for a while, and was just kind of deliberating over it, if it was a good thing for me…and there was a lot of downsides as well, because I had to move out of my house, which was awesome. I was living with two really good friends, and we had this massive house that was a great deal for San Francisco, with our own backyard and all of this stuff, so I would have to lose that, in order to come here. But I just decided that the risks of doing it were not that significant in comparison to this potentially transformative experience. So, I just decided to sack it up and come here.

J: Were the people around you at that time supportive of that? Or were people one way or the other?

D: Umm…my housemates tried to convince me not to do it, and they were not very supportive, because, for whatever reason, they didn't really want someone else to move-in in my place. They were like "We'd rather just move out then sublet to somebody else"

C: Oh, that's nice!

D: Because they had bad experiences in the past and I had been there for like two-and-a-half years, and I think before me there were like seven other people before me that were like a few months at a time, and it was not good for them…and so, I think that was part of the reason why they tried to convince me not to do it, and they were pretty annoyed for some of the time, and it was kind of threatening our friendship at a certain point. And then, gradually they started to accept it, and eventually those guys became very supportive, and ended up making kind of big changes in their lives too, so it was a catalyst for other things…good things to happen. And, other people…yeah, I have some friends who are into meditation practice, and they were very supportive, they were pretty envious…and my family…some of my cousins I'm close to I talked about it and they were very supportive. My parents were just confused, and were just like, "Oh, if you want to do farming, why don't you just do…like go back to school, or do an internship or something like that?" But it's partially because I was telling most people--outside of my close group of friends--that I was like going to work on a farm, and focusing on the farming aspect. But, really I wouldn't have come here if it didn't have both the farming and the meditation. But, yeah, rather than telling people I was going to live in a Buddhist community, it was easier for me to say that I was going to be a farmer. And then if they asked more questions, I'd be like, "Yeah, it's also a Zen Buddhist monastery".

C: Mmhmmm. And you…I take it you really like the farming aspect?

D: Mhmmm, yeah.

C: And you're interested in doing that more in your life?

D: Yeah, it's something I wanted to pursue as a career option. That was definitely part of the reason I wanted to try it out, so in that two week period (the guest student stay) we had to try out farming a little bit…and I had jobs in the past where I was physically active a lot of the time, and I just felt a lot better, in general, in outside work, when I've been active in my work life. 

J: Have you worked in a manual labor job before?

D: No, not really. It's my first time doing that. But, yeah I kind of like it. I like doing manual labor because it's very easy to see the progress that you've made and the outcomes of your work on a daily basis, rather than the projects I worked on when I was doing project management work. I think a lot of it was auditing, so you don't really get to see any outcome, you're just checking the work of other people. And other types of projects where you're just re-doing the same stuff over and over again. Taking a long time to get anything deliverable out, it's just sort of a frustrating process. The farming work is much more inspiring, and being outside is where I'm most comfortable, and also working with my hands and being physically active are big benefits for me.

C: And would you mind just talking about your education for a little bit?

D: Sure, how far back do you want to go?

C: *laughs* However far back seems pertinent

J: To the beginning!

D: So, I was born in California, lived here and went to Kindergarten here, and then I moved to Scotland. I went through elementary school, and middle school, and part of high school in Scotland, and then moved back to California for high school, to finish it out…and then I stayed here for undergrad, did a business degree…and then worked for a year, and then I went to grad school back in Scotland. My graduate degree was in carbon management, which is geoscience, business, and economics, sort of focusing on how businesses can adapt to a changing climate. Then I worked in that field for a while, as a sustainability consultant, and I worked in the solar industry, and that sort of segued into me here, thinking I might want to do something in sustainable agriculture. But I'm definitely learning that it would take a lot more experience working and doing something in that--like if I was running my own farm, I'm not a fully trained farmer after working here for six months. But I definitely have learned a lot…also, seeing farmers that we met through various field trips and people here--you can kind of figure it out as you go along, and you don't necessarily have to go to school for this and do the formal education route. You can study, ask other farmers, and just sort of go by trial and error.

J: Yeah, I feel like farmers really enjoy being part of a community that teaches each other; at least, the farmer's I know get a lot out of that

D: Yeah, I heard the average farmer in the U.S. is like 67 years old

J: Mmmm!

D: So most people are really encouraged when they see young farmers coming up, and they want to give them as much as possible. So, it's definitely good to know, in the future, if I have any questions, people are definitely willing to help out

J: Do you think you want to stay and farm in California?

D: Most likely, yes. I like it here.

J: It's very nice here.

D: Lots of farming opportunities.

C: Do you have any favorite parts of Zen?

D: Hmm…

J: He doesn't have any preferences at all, he's so Zen

*Catherine giggles*

D: Ummm…I like the work practice. I feel like I don't ever resent going to work, which maybe I did in the past.

J & C: Mmhmmm

D: I feel like it's very easy to go, and each task you just go and do it and put your energy into it, and you don't have to second-guess yourself. And…I enjoy sitting zazen, most of the time, when I'm not really exhausted and I feel like I'm really only going because I have to. Other times, I'm pretty motivated to go, and a lot of the time now I feel like I'm not doing enough sitting. Just because we've had to skip a lot due to farm work and I sort of got used to doing two periods of zazen in the morning...and now I really only do that once a week, because of zendo jobs or farm work. So, yeah, that's part of the reason why I'm probably going to do Practice Period, because I feel like that's a good time to really hone in on that aspect of it.

J: I wonder if that's part of their plan, is to get us believing like "Yeah, two periods is normal", and anything less than starts to feel abnormal…and then we all start craving more, and Practice Period happens!

C: *giggles* Craving zazen seems sort of counter-productive

D: No craving!

J *giggles* We're all grasping.

C: *giggles* We're all grasping! Grasping for whatever...

J: For non--grasping

C: For non-grasping! I worry about that sometimes, if I'm too attached to the idea of non-attachment. 

J & D: Mmmmm

C: And the fact that I'm attached to that causes me suffering.

J & D: Mmmmm

C: Right? I don't know, I guess I'll just have to sit.

D: It's not right, it's not wrong.

C: *giggles* non-dualism

D: Sit with it

*Jo and Catherine giggle*

D: Ummm I guess I also like the peaceful feeling that I have…I don't know, it's partially due to the work that I'm doing, and the amount that we sit in zazen. Which is, I'm basically just practicing having a relaxed mindset, and relaxing my body. And also, just the environment we're in gives you this nice peaceful feeling. You feel kind of oblivious to the outside world, so you can just be here and relax. But I noticed that even when I went back from my guest student stay here, or even when I returned to San Francisco or went other places for short weekend trips, it's easy to sort of come out of that pretty quickly. You definitely feel it again when you come back, but I'm wondering how I'll sort of have that as part of my life when I'm not here.

C: Yeah, me too. It's definitely something I worry about. I shouldn't worry. Have you ever lived in a community like this before?

D: No. The most I've ever lived with is six.

J: How do you feel about it?

D: I enjoy it. I mean I definitely enjoy solitude, because I'm a little removed, living over in the yurts. And I was pretty adamant when I applied…or like after I came and stayed here (for the guest student stay) and I lived in the yurt…I pretty much said I didn't want to live in Cloud Hall. I really liked the idea of being a little bit separated from the community, but doing all of my activities and eating…just all of the aspects of community life that take place in this central area, but I like having a little bit of solitude out there. I think it helps keep it balanced, not having everybody in my business all of the time.

*Jo and Catherine giggle*

D: Having the ability to escape.

J: I love having everybody in my business.

*Catherine giggles*

D: But yeah I like living in community. Especially with the farm crew, and also with most people, we're doing everything together, and I think it builds pretty strong friendships quickly, becoming pretty well-attached and connected to people.

C: Mmmhmmm

D: Just because you spend so much time together, and it becomes like quality time…unlike nowadays when I feel like it's not as much quality time with people, just because they're very distracted by everything else that's going on. And, not having phone reception here is a total blessing.

C: Yeah!

D: I'm pretty amazed with how distracted people are when they have the ability to engage with the internet in their hand.

C: Mhmmm yeah

J: Do you think you'll ever live in a community again?

D: Yeah, but I don't think it will be exactly like this, where you are expected to do everything together. I think I would like to live in a closer-knit community where people are more willing to help each other out, and are more neighborly, but not necessarily that you're expected to do everything together. I find that sometimes here people take part in community events only because they have to. Maybe they would prefer to eat a meal somewhere else and be on their own, but they'll go and sit in the dining hall and be surrounded by people who are having conversations, but they don't really want to engage in that. And that's fine, it's just that maybe people should have a little bit more freedom to do what they want. But I think this works well as part of the community where the focus is on Zen practice, because I think this is an important part of the community life here…but it might not necessarily work in other places.

J: Mmhmmm.

C: Do you think that your interactions with the people here are different than the way you interact with people outside of here? Like your friends from growing up or college, or your roommates in San Francisco?

D: Mmmm…yeah, I think that most times, interacting with people outside it needs to be centered around an activity. But I think that oftentimes here people are fine with just doing nothing, or talking, or maybe even not talking. That's maybe the biggest difference.

C: Yeah

D: And, oftentimes the activity that it's centered around with my friends outside is like drinking and stuff like that. It's maybe not the healthiest thing, it's maybe not the worst, but…

C: *giggle* Yeah, that's something that's interesting to me, because I feel like, for me, sometimes I maybe have different…well, maybe not all of the time…but I sometimes have different roles I play, depending on which group of friends I'm with, even if they're friends I'm very comfortable with. So, I don't know, I'm just curious to see if that's the case with other people. *sigh*  Uhh, let's see, do you have a favorite food that they make here?

D: Hmmm. *long pause* I don't know, I'm not a very picky eater and I love the food here.

*Jo and Catherine giggle*

D: It's hard for me to choose one thing…but…*deep inhalation, followed by long pause* I like the Mediterranean food, like the falafel, eggplant, quinoa tabouleh…

J: We're having that pretty soon!

D: Yesss. I also really like Mexican food, whenever they have that, it's a big treat…and…yeah, it's very easy to be a vegetarian here, because the quality of the food is really good.

C: Would you consider being a vegetarian outside of here?

D: Yes…I don't think...I'm not 100% opposed to eating meat, every once in a while. But, definitely don't have the desire to eat it every day. So, it's pretty different…maybe I would eat it like once a week. But yeah, I was making a lot of vegetarian meals before, because it was cheaper, and also just experimenting with what you can do. And also just recently realizing that eating vegetarian is actually really good, and you feel healthier too.

C: Do you think farming has influenced your thoughts on food at all?

D: Yes, definitely.

C: Yeah?

D: Just being able to see how food is actually produced...I was pretty oblivious to most things. When I first started working on the farm I was kind of in disbelief when we would shove these little plants into the ground and it would grow to produce tons and tons of food…and that didn't make sense to me.

*Catherine giggles*

D: When we first started planting these little seeds, these little starters, I was just like, "There's no way this is going to work".  I'm always surprised…and now we have seven acres of vegetables sprouting and it's pretty incredible.

J & C: Mmhmmm

C: Do you have…ummm…a favorite book you like to read? Or a favorite kind of book you like to read? Have you enjoyed any books recently?

D: Ummmm I enjoyed reading The Practice of the Wild

C: What's that?

D: Gary Snyder

C: Oh

D: It's a collection of essays on life in the wilderness...

C: Mmmm!

D:…and wild people, and Zen practice a little bit, and that was pretty inspiring. And…I'm reading several books on Zen practice, also. I read Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind again, since I came here, and one of Norman Fisher's books, and Zen in the Art of Archery.

J: I just read that

D: Yeah?

C: I read that in high school, I haven't read it since

D: And, yeah, some of the books are more engaging. I kind of like what the speaker (Gil Fronsdale) said today, that you don't want to read too much

*everybody chuckles*

D: That you have to see for yourself and not have other people give you expectations for what it's supposed to be like

J & C: Mmmhmmm

C: Did you read much before you came here?

D: On Zen?

C: On anything

D: Ummm, I've gone through phases. For the, like, 3-6 months before I came here I was reading a lot more than I used to, because I was commuting a lot, and enjoying sitting on a train and reading everyday

C: Hmmm

D: But, in general, not that much. It hasn't changed that much since I got here, I thought it would, but I don't have that much free time to do it. Just finding little bits everyday, and I've got like 6 or 7 books that I'm reading right now, rather than just reading one book at a time, which I think would be better...and not trying to read too many different things, because yeah…kind of all over the place with that.

J: Do you find the schedule kind of limiting? Or do you…I feel like some people say that sometimes there's strictness to the schedule, but there's also some liberation. Just...having your life kind of scheduled, at least for a few months, you just kind of settle into it, like "okay".

C: You have more awareness in the moment if you don't have to anticipate what you're going to do next….is the idea I think.

J: Yeah

C: I don't know if that's always true *giggles*

J: Yeah, no

D: Yeah, I've definitely had times where I feel more resistance to the schedule because I feel like I'm maybe being a little bit deprived of free time, and sometimes I'm antsy to get out and do something that I won't really have time to do. But…at the end of the day I think that, like, if I'm only going to be here for like 6 or 8 months, then I should really focus on like what they're doing here and the schedule they've made is really designed to really help you engage with this practice more, and for me, knowing right now that I'm not going to be here for that long, I'm pretty comfortable doing that. And, that I'm not doing as much reading as I would like. That's not really the reason I came here, to sit and read quietly; it was to try out this lifestyle and engage with it more fully…so there have been times where I'm resistant to the schedule because I wish I could do more, but at the end if you just focus on what you're supposed to be doing here and the schedule they've laid out, and you're confident that it's going to be doing the right thing for you, then, I don't know, I'm not as resistant to it anymore.

C: Would you describe yourself as an introvert or an extrovert?

D: Introvert.

C: Yeah?

J: Really?!

C: Yeah! That's surprising to me too! *laughs*

D: Well, it's a community of introverts, so maybe I don't seem so introverted.

C: Yeah

J: That's true

D: Do you think I'm extroverted?

C: You're definitely one of the more extroverted people here, for sure. You're friendly, which I feel like a lot of the people aren't, here *laughs*

J: Yeah, like you initiate conversations

C: Yeah.

D: Hmmm, interesting

J & C: Yeah

C: There are definitely sometimes when I'm sitting at a table, and there's somebody we don't know that well, but you're there, and I'm like, "I don't have to worry about this, Dominic will handle this"

*Jo and Catherine laugh*

C: You got this *laughs*

D: Okay…Yeah, uhhh, I stand by my answer

*Jo and Catherine laugh heartily*

J: Well, now you're on trial *giggles* we need proof. I have a theory--I'm probably not the person who came up with this theory *giggles*--I just don't believe that most people are either introverts or extroverts. I think that the vast majority of people are both, and there's a very small minority who are on both extremes.

C: Mmhmmm

J: It's like, everybody has introverted or extroverted tendencies, depending on the circumstances

C: Yeah

D: Mmhmmm

J: Like exactly what you just said, like here is a community of introverts, and so now you seem like an extrovert all of a sudden. But maybe your friends outside of here would totally describe you as an extrovert

D: Yeah, I mean, not always, but I think I have a very quiet mode where I'm not engaging as much with people, or I don't know, I tend to absorb more than I put out. I think my dad's like that, he's very selective with his words, and I think I've sort of taken that from him.

J & C: Mmhmmm

C: Do you think there is a pattern of what you first notice about a person when you first meet them?

D: What do you mean "a pattern"?

C: I guess…like when you meet someone, are there certain things you tend to notice about them? About anyone you first meet? I feel like maybe I'm not articulating this well…but also I feel like I'm interested because I often feel like girls have an answer to this and boys don't.

J: Hmmm. Well maybe if you gave him an example…

C: *Unnecessarily sassy* Well, I'm not the one who's being interviewed here *laughs*

J: Well, maybe an example…

C: Ummm, well, like, I feel for me, I often notice peoples' eyes. Well not just the eyes, like what they look like, but how they use their eyes to express themselves.

J: I never notice people's eyes. Like if you told me right now that you had different colored eyes, I wouldn't be able to tell, for either one of you, what your eye color is.

C: *laughs* Do you notice something?

J: I notice people's laughs

C: Laughs, yeah

D: Mmhmm

C: Yeah, laughs are good

D: Yeah, I think just people's facial expressions in general, like smiles…I sort of recognize that pretty quickly. I think that says a lot about a person. But…*long pause* I think also, I'm pretty quick to notice when people are self-centered and the way they engage in conversations. Or, yeah, the way they engage in conversations, or how whether they're actually listening, or they're just taking some things and waiting to spit out thoughts. That's something I notice.

C: Do you have elements of yourself that you wish people would notice when they first meet you?

D: No.

C: No, not at all? 

*Jo giggles*

C: Not even your personality?

J: Not even your red hair?

*Everybody laughs*

D: Ummm, that's probably the first thing people notice.

*Jo and Catherine laugh*

D: But, no, I can't really think of anything I'd want people to notice

C: No? Hmmm.

J: *whispering* okay, I'm sorry, but I have to go. I have to make a call at 4.

C: Ok

D: That's unacceptable

C: Whoah, it's already 4!

J: Yeah…

C: *laughs* How did that happen?

D: Somebody was late

*Catherine laughs*

J: We're not going to say who that was. Protect their innocence. 

C: Mmmm, we've got about 9 minutes left on the app.

D: Okay

C; Thank you Jo! *giggles* Bye!

D: Byeeeeee

C: So that's interesting to me, that you don't have a way you wish to be perceived. Is that true? Did I jump to a conclusion there?

D: No, I can't think of one.

C: No? Am I just being too personal with my questions?

D: No, not at all.

C: No?

D: Yeah, I like them.

C: Yeah?

D: I don't think I really mind that much. I think I would much rather let my actions speak for themselves, rather than have people…I don't really care if somebody makes an opinion based on something. I'd rather just express myself in a way that feels more authentic, and then people can make whatever opinion they want.

C: Do you think you've always been like that?

D: No.

C: No?

D: Definitely not.

*Both giggle*

D: No, I just think that when I was younger I was more concerned with trying to fit in, and…a good example is that I used to have a very thick Scottish accent, and it was totally gone after a couple years of coming back to California for high school, because I didn't really want to stand out. I wanted to blend in, and also just be, like, understood. So, I started speaking differently.

C: When do you think that transformation of you no longer caring happened?

D: Probably after college. So like 6 years ago.

C: Yeah?

D: Yeah. Maybe longer. Sometime in-between going to college and now.

*Yuki's charming cat Morrel joined us on the table*

C: Hello, Morrel

D: Do you have any questions Morrel? 

*Catherine giggles*

C: How do you think your friends would describe you?

D: Hmmm…reliable?

C: Mhmmm? *giggles*

D: Um, easy-going?

C: Mmhmmm.

D: *long pause* Yeah. Reliable and easy-going.

*Catherine laughs heartily*

C: Okay!

D: I don't know, that's a tough question for me to answer.

C: Yeah?

D: Yeah. You'd have to ask my friends, I don't really know.

C: That was a good answer

D: Okay

C: Yeah *giggles* Do you miss Scotland?

D: Yeah.

C: Yeah?

D: I don't miss living there, so much…I miss my family over there, and I miss spending time there, but I don't think I'd want to live there right now. 

C: Do you think you'd ever want to live there again?

D: Maybe when I have a family, spend some time there, so they could see a different side of the world. But not in the immediate future or anything…unless Trump gets elected.

C: Yeah? Do you think you'd actually move to Scotland if Trump got elected?

D: I think I might, I think that would just like put me over the edge.

C: Yeah.

D: Or, just like move away somewhere. Not Scotland, actually…I just feel like I couldn't be here. But that's a story for another day, for another interview. Let's not talk politics….

*Both giggle*

C: Are you a Scottish citizen?

D: Yeah, British citizen.

C: Ahhh, right, sorry. British.

D: Yeah, well, it might not be British pretty soon, if we vote for independence again after we just left Europe…or after Britain just left Europe.

C: The EU.

D: Yeah, the EU. I think that was pretty silly

C: *giggles* Yeah?

D: I would rather be a citizen of the EU than of Great Britain, considering how Great Britain doesn't really do anything. Well, that's a lie…but again, a totally different interview.

*Both giggle*

C: Ummm, oh, I had another question *sigh*

D: Make a cutting one

C: A cutting one?

D: One that pierces through any armor.

C: Ahh well I can think of some, I don't know if you really want me to ask them.

D: I asked for it.

C: Okay, we have three minutes *giggles* What are some deep insecurities for you?

D: Hmmm. *long pause* 

C: You have two-and-a-half minutes to answer

D: I guess I'm not very good at pinpointing what they are. I think I know I have some, and I think in general I'm not as emotionally intelligent. I think I've always been very rational, and sort of neglected even thinking about what my emotions are and what I actually feel. I think that was a big reason for me actually coming here. So, I don't know if that's related to insecurities, but I think insecurities and emotions are things I haven't been as tuned in, and that's part of the reason I came here, was to have more of a relaxed mind and kind of tap into that, somewhat. Which I think has come up in some interesting ways through zazen.

C: So you think you've seen an improvement?

D: Yeah

C: Yeah?

D: Definitely…and just being more open in general, and using my heart rather than just my mind, and following my instincts more…just more intuitive in the way that I act and go about my life.

C: Have you been practicing that?

D: Yeah.

C: Yeah? And has it payed off for you, do you think?

D: Yeah

C: Yeah?

D: Yeah, I think so. But there's a lot more work needed, I've just sort of tapped into it. I think that the most valuable thing that I'm getting from this time, and just having a set schedule and being here for a somewhat long period of time, that I'm just able to step out of all of these other things that were taking up my attention, and just bring it all back inside, and just think about what I really want to be doing with all of my time and energy…and, I don't know, becoming better at moving truly and expressing myself.

C: Ok! That was awesome! Thank you very much! *laughs*

D: Cool, you're welcome. Do you have any last questions real quick?

C: *giggles* Ah, ummm, what's your favorite vegetable?

D: *Deep exhalation* My favorite vegetable is….POTATO!

A cute photo of Dominic and Jo on the pool deck