The Six Paramitas

"Perhaps the great error is believing we’re alone,
That the others have come and gone—a momentary blip—
When all along, space might be choc-full of traffic,
Bursting at the seams with energy we neither feel
Nor see, flush against us, living, dying, deciding,
Setting solid feet down on planets everywhere,
Bowing to the great stars that command, pitching stones
At whatever are their moons. They live wondering
If they are the only ones, knowing only the wish to know,
And the great black distance they—we—flicker in.

Maybe the dead know, their eyes widening at last,
Seeing the high beams of a million galaxies flick on
At twilight. Hearing the engines flare, the horns
Not letting up, the frenzy of being. I want to be
One notch below bedlam, like a radio without a dial.
Wide open, so everything floods in at once.
And sealed tight, so nothing escapes. Not even time,
Which should curl in on itself and loop around like smoke.
So that I might be sitting now beside my father
As he raises a lit match to the bowl of his pipe
For the first time in the winter of 1959."
--Tracy K. Smith, "3" in My God, It's Full of Stars

Flower of the Week:

Ornamental amaranth. So delightfully absurd!

Buddhist Lesson of the Week:

The Six Paramitas

Returning to the infinite lists within the Buddhist canon, we're going to take a look at the Six Paramitas (or Perfections). Just as with most all of the other lists, the Paramitas are meant to be reminders for how Bodhisattvas conduct themselves in all of their aware moments. To follow the Paramitas is to be a true, honest, and compassionate person filled with purpose. As with the other lists, they are tough to remember all of the time, but are good reminders when you happen upon them. They are:

1. Dana Paramita: The Perfection of Generosity
2. Sila Paramita: The Perfection of Virtue
3. Ksanti Paramita: The Perfection of Patience
4. Virya Paramita: The Perfection of Energy
5. Dhyana Paramita: The Perfection of Concentration
6. Prajna Paramita: The Perfection of Wisdom

You need one of the Paramitas in order to fully practice the others; you cannot be fully generous without virtue, patience, energy, concentration, and wisdom. You cannot be virtuous without generosity, patience, energy, concentration, and wisdom, and so on. They are as dependently co-arisen as anything else.

Life at the Center:

So….I'm going to be honest here, this past week has not been a super great one. This is not due to anything external, any people or events--it is entirely because of the suffering that my mind decides to create for itself sometimes. In other, more simple words, I have been feeling really pretty anxious this past week, worse so then it has been for all of my time here thus far. People here have been asking me what triggered it, and honestly, I'm not entirely sure. I think it's somewhat of a cocktail of physical exhaustion, a resurgence of insecurities, stress about taking the GRE next weekend, and living in a valley that's perpetually dark, cloudy/foggy, and cold. Just as I struggled with the lack of any sense of seasonality in Hawaii, especially during the month of perpetual rain (which you can read about here, in my blog from my time in Hawaii, if you're so inclined), I am struggling with it here. My mood and general state and health of mind has a rather intimate connection with the weather. I need sun and warmth, plain and simple, in at least a semi-regular dose, to feel complete and healthy. 

As far as the physical exhaustion goes, I think that this part surprises some people who do not live here, who often have a certain image of what life here is like. I think that in our culture the word "Zen" has become almost entirely detached from the religion and is instead associated with images of spas, massages, meditating in a clean, white, well-lit room, and soaking in hot tubs. I'll let you know right now that absolutely none of those things are what is happening here. First, massages are scant and almost treated like an impolite misdeed, something to be done only occasionally and without the knowledge of anybody of importance (especially massages given between genders/different sexualities DEAR GOD). Physical contact in general around here is sparse. Also, as those of you who read this blog and who know me well are probably aware, I am not great with having people touching me in the first place (alright, alright, I'm pretty horrible about having people touching me). SO starting with my already intense deficit of physical contact as a foundation, and building upon it a sturdy structure of awkward and sporadic contact from a community of gentle and overly-careful individuals, you've got yourself a well-rounded building of vacuous space aching for our most primal means of connecting to one another.

Flower arrangement that I made for the bath house using
a couple different varieties of dahlias. Look at the size of
that yellow one!

Next, there is no spa or hot tubs here. There is a sauna, which is fine (and necessary, I'm figuring out, considering how little we see the sun and how cold it is here), but it is small. It is lovely, don't get me wrong, but it is neither a spa nor a hot tub. Finally, meditation occurs in a dark room (so, so dark, all of the time) that is likewise pretty cold. Also, although I absolutely adore working in the garden, it is still plenty full of manual labor and other unkindnesses to my body. Plus, I'm awake from 4:15 am to at least 9 pm every day, with near every minute of that waking time scheduled.

At this moment, as is always the case, I am feeling guilty for complaining, which is something worth exploring a little bit, I think. I guess. It is human to feel dissatisfaction, every once in a while, with our circumstances. As my dad always says to me (and which I can attest to considering my studies in Anthropology), humans are innate problem-solvers. It is what we do. If there is no problem for us to solve, no easy outlet for the workings of our immense frontal lobes, then we create problems so that we may solve them. I think that is why, despite my well-fed, well-stimulated, well-meditated, well-loved state of existence currently, I still feel the need to complain. There's probably more to it than that, but that seems a suitable enough summation for now. Anyways, because I am, in all real, practical regards quite healthy and happy, I focus on any problem I might be able to solve.

Part of that problem-solving process is articulating it to other people in a manner that garners their sympathy, empathy, and interest in solving the problem (aka complaining). Part of it is writing it down in a blog so that everybody knows everything going on in my mind, if they want to know it for some reason. Part of it is my mind picking out every nuanced inconvenience or discomfort in my environment and analyzing it to death until my brain starts to believe that it is a real problem to my existence, and thus produces cortisol and serotonin so that I might actually deal with the problem to my existence--as it would for say, being chased by a panther or falling out of a tree. The issue with that is that I don't actually face any challenges to my existence (I know, it's a tough issue, but I bear through it). So, my brain is evolutionarily designed to release these chemicals as a helpful means to keep me alive in response to stressful stimuli, but considering none of my stimuli are actually all that stressful, that means that I am soaking in a soup of stress hormones in my everyday, mundane, peaceful life. So that means that the problems that initiated the whole thing in the first place, as minor as they are, are amplified in my brain space as essential to me living or dying, which my body responds to immediately, of course, as is evolutionarily practical.

In other words, those minor, silly problems of "I'm sure cold a lot of the time", and "I have little free time because I'm so busy meditating and tending to flowers", and "The GRE is essential for me to continue my already ridiculously extensive education, but seems frivolous and is thus a waste of my time," and "This lovingly prepared, free, extensive meal isn't exactly what I want to eat right now because it's not chock-full of chocolate, salt, and fat" become burdens on my existence. So ultimately my anxiety is a silly thing, and I realize that…but practically it is my reality and it is my suffering.

If only realizing the reality of a thing made its fabricated opposite any less true!

I will say, though, that the manner in which my anxiety manifests here is substantially better (whatever that really means) than it has been for the years I've struggled with this prior to moving to Green Gulch. To start, I was not a huge, petulant, rude asshole. I was actually able to converse with people with a measure of grace and decorum. I take that as a victory (I also wrote a piece about what my anxiety felt like for most of my life in my blog from Hawaii, which can be read here, again, if you're curious or so inclined).

Amaranth :)

Another thing is that I was still able to feel love towards myself, including the anxiety. I don't really think I ever had the thought of "anxiety go away, you're not wanted!" It was more just a feeling of "Well, here it is, it's not good, but here it is". I was still able to work most days (Claudia graciously let me take a comp day on Thursday to rest, which I needed, I think). I was able to get out of the yurt and go and eat three meals a day. I was able to go to zazen most every time I was supposed to go (except for Monday morning and the second period of Thursday morning…which included the Full Moon Ceremony, so that actually worked out alright). I was foggy and addled, but I was able to operate, with the knowledge and firm belief that eventually I would feel alright again, as had been the case every time before. Yay impermanence!

I guess I also want to mention, for no other reason other than cathartic release, that I had an incident that I think was also responsible for triggering a fair amount of anxiety in the past week, but that I just sat with and worked through (with only minimal complaining about it to other people, but yeah I did complain a bit, guilty; and will again now, guilty twice-over, but this should hopefully be it). Anyways, after I missed Monday morning zazen somebody suggested to me that if I miss zazen because of my anxiety, I let the anxiety "win". With full awareness that the person who suggested that to me was genuinely doing it out of a kind and loving place, and that my reaction to her suggestion did not stem from the suggestion itself but from a myriad of moments previously in my life that felt connected to that moment for me in some way, I became rather indignant at that suggestion. Luckily, I don't think I really showed it in the moment, but I was stuck on her suggestion for most of the week (and obviously still am a bit). I guess what bothers me about it is reasons threefold: 1) Like that's not an idea I've ever had and felt immense guilt over, that my missing out on obligations and responsibilities due to my anxiety was a defeat on my part to battle my demons with any sort of just and fruitful effort. Just to be clear, it is an idea that I've had. Many times. Many, many times. That "letting my anxiety 'win'" only makes me feel like quite the opposite of a winner, as is suggested; 2) I know many people who have skipped many zazens for no other reason than they slept through them, and none of them have been talked to about their absences, but I miss one and it's brought to my attention that I could be doing better somehow; 3) All of the subsequent anxieties and insecurities the previous reason ignites--that because I'm a good person, people have high expectations of me, and if I don't meet those expectations, they're disappointed in some way. Which, is natural, as I suppose that's how I feel when someone I hold in high esteem is not great. So that's something I need to watch in myself, to further my compassionate potential, and to not live as, you know, a hypocrite or anything. Also, as Reb suggested in our dokusan, the more that you're helpful, the more people will look to you for help, which is something that I do want; I also just want to lay in bed all day so I can process my life every once in a while and have everybody be okay with that. But, I don't know, such is life, I guess.

Anyways, now that all of that negativity is right on out there, bare and brazen in the open, I'd like to spend some time being grateful.

I am grateful for music that makes me feel naked and alive. I am grateful for the moments I spend smelling the roses, and appreciating their structure and grace. I am thankful for the quails always running around making cute, desperate, dithered noises. I am grateful for my family, who always support me and love me unconditionally. I am thankful for my friends from growing up for loving me despite knowing me my entire life, thus knowing all of my imperfections and lesser than great moments. I am grateful for my friends from college for encouraging me to dance and express myself truly, in full support and love. I am grateful for my friends here for listening to me, for teaching me, for making me laugh, and for being so gosh darn cute all of the time. 

I am grateful for the gentle awareness of non-human animals. I am grateful for the gentle awareness of human animals. I am grateful for the distant light of stars, reminding me that I am only alive for a short moment. I am grateful for my weird lumpy bed in the yurt. I am grateful for the food here, always so delicious and whole. I am grateful for good literature. I am grateful for learning the words "paean", "laudatory", and "chicanery" in my studies for the GRE. I am grateful for the clean air I breathe. I am grateful for the Vitamin supplements I take. I am grateful for the travel mugs that the Guest Program graciously donated to everybody in the community, because now I can drink tea in the garden (and all day LONG). I am grateful for poetry that causes a shift in my awareness about my reality and my being.

An arrangement I made for the yoga studio
in Stillwater Hall

I am grateful for the moments during our chants when the breath of everybody in the sangha synchronizes. I am grateful for sudden moments of quiet awareness of my heart beating steadily in my body, pushing my blood and my liveliness through my organs and limbs. I am grateful for the feeling of taking out my contacts and taking off my work boots at the end of the work day. I am grateful for color. I am grateful for spontaneous hugs given because someone is taken with who I am in that moment. I am grateful for feeling immense feelings of love when I look at someone doing something simple, just because it's them doing it, and that makes it lovely. I am grateful for whenever somebody looks at me lovingly. 

I am grateful for the current expected longevity of the human lifespan. I am grateful to be young and healthy. I am grateful to be living in a time where I can do most anything as a woman, and be taken seriously doing it. I am grateful to be intelligent and sentient. I am grateful that I was raised with an awareness of social justice and righteousness. I am grateful to have discovered Star Trek, and all that that has done for my life (including really introducing me to my love science fiction in general). I am grateful that I am so often able to delight in the wonder that being an unabashed nerd encourages.

I am grateful for long, serene floats in cold water. I am grateful for hot showers that momentarily make my shoulders feel at ease. I am grateful for the increased awareness, mindfulness, and compassion that has arisen from my practice. I am grateful for bizarre humor. I am grateful for Claudia as a manager, because she is immensely kind and knowledgeable. I am grateful I was able to see my cousins on Thursday, after so much time not being able to see them or know them.  I am grateful for the respect that everybody shows everything here, but animate and inanimate--for after all, everything that is inanimate now was animate at some point--even the rocks were once astral bodies careening through space, are astral bodies careening through space still, I suppose.

I am grateful for the fullness of a simple love for many people for who they are: the most interesting, complete, awe-inspiring, wonderful works of art I could have ever hoped to encounter.

I am grateful that I have so many things to be grateful about. 

There's more, I know, but I need to go eat lunch and call my brother, who's back from Europe!

This week I interviewed the gentlemanly, courteous, thoughtful, gentle, patient, funny, charismatic Dominic. His interview is below, make sure to check it out and get better acquainted with this delightful human being! :)

Book of the Week:

I just finished The Name of the Wind (which was absolutely fantastic, I can't wait to read the sequels. I definitely suggest it for anybody who likes fantasy.) I just started The Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet by Becky Chambers, which is a book that my mom found for me. It sounds exactly like the sort of story I love: an anthropological look at a multi-specied crew aboard a ship that has the job of creating wormholes for a galactic federation (written by a woman, nonetheless!) I have definitely enjoyed it so far (it has a real Firefly feel to it) and am very much looking forward to reading more of it. I should maybe read more dharma books or something, but there's plenty of time for that during Practice Period, I think. Might as well try to get some of my frivolity out of my system now (although, of course, I don't think consuming well-crafter fiction is frivolous. It's an experience of art and the delightful enigma of human creativity and expression.)

Song of the Week:

"Old Pine" by Ben Howard

This song reminds me of what summer should feel like, and has felt like for most of my life. It's full of life and friendship, and to me, when I listen to it, I appreciate being young. Also, of course, Ben Howard is a cutie. I saw him live and you could not understand a word he said in-between songs because his British accent was so thick...but it was alright, because he was just so gosh darn charming.

Hot sand on toes, cold sand in sleeping bags

I've come to know that memories

Were the best things you ever had

The summer shone beat down on bony backs

So far from home where the ocean stood

Down dust and pine cone tracks

We slept like dogs down by the fire side

Awoke to the fog all around us

The boom of summer time

We stood

Steady as the stars in the woods

So happy-hearted

And the warmth rang true inside these bones

As the old pine fell we sang

Just to bless the morning

Hot sand on toes, cold sand in sleeping bags

I've come to know the friends around you

Are all you'll always have

Smoke in my lungs, or the echoed stone

Careless and young, free as the birds that fly

With weightless souls now

We stood

Steady as the stars in the woods

So happy-hearted

And the warmth rang true inside these bones

We stood

Steady as the stars in the woods

So happy-hearted

And the warmth rang true inside these bones

As the old pine fell we sang

Just to bless the morning

We grow, grow, steady as the morning

We grow, grow, older still

We grow, grow, happy as a new dawn

We grow, grow, older still

We grow, grow, steady as the flowers

We grow, grow, older still

We grow, grow, happy as a new dawn

We grow, grow, older still